ARCHIVES: The United States of America
The greatest Nation in the World
Living man uncovered in Frozen WWII Plane
The man's shield.
Experts have no idea what this symbol means
1/17/2013
On Monday, a 17-member expedition made an unprecedented discovery while recovering the wreckage of a World War Two aircraft which was buried in a glacier in Greenland. Inside the remains of the single-engine Grumman Duck aircraft, the team inexplicably found a living human being frozen in the ice.
The plane was lost in 1942 when it was sent on a rescue mission to recover the crew of a US air force B-17 which had crashed in Greenland. Tragically, as they began the return trip they encountered whiteout conditions and crashed onto the glacier. After 70 years the plane has finally been found, and with a surviving human man inside it.
The man is 6 feet 2 inches and weighs 220 lbs. He has blonde hair, blue eyes and is in peak physical condition. He was wearing a spangly, red, white and blue outfit, uncharacteristic of most soldiers, and he wore a strange mask with a large letter A on the forehead and tiny wings on the sides. He was found with a circular, red, white and blue shield that is made out of an incredibly strong metal unknown to any scientist. Nobody seems to know who this man is or how he was able to survive seventy years frozen in ice.
"Its a scientific miracle!" said Dr. Abraham Dreyfuss, a researcher studying the mystery man, "no ordinary human could have survived being frozen that long. I've never seen anything like it before!"
When the man was discovered in the ice, an entire block of ice had to chipped out with him inside it. At this point, the team thought that he was dead.
"We were very intrigued by how well preserved the body was," said Kaitlin Jorgennsen , a member of the expedition team that found the wreckage, "and we were very confused by his spangly outfit."
However when they thawed the body out, the team realized that the man was in fact breathing, though unconscious. He was immediately brought to a hospital in a nearby village, then quickly transported back to the states where doctors have been studying him and trying to wake him up.
"His recovery has been unbelievable!" said Dr. Sascha Robertson, a doctor who has been helping him recover, "he has only been here a few days and already I've seen signs of movement. It's simply unexplainable. He must be superhuman...Not to mention the fact that he hasn't aged a day in 70 years. It's inconceivable."
Some experts are skeptical, however, saying that the man could have been frozen only recently. They say that his odd, non-military clothing is evidence that he was not on the plane when it first crashed.
"It is entirely impossible that a human could have survived that long," said Joe Schmitt, one of these skeptics, "He could simply have been a strangely dressed man who happened to trip and fall into the wreckage and gotten immediately frozen." he posited that he may have been leaving a comic convention and gotten lost. "This is completely feasible!" he added.
For more on this story click here. But remember, you can't find more reliably accurate news than Completely Reliable News Inc.
On Monday, a 17-member expedition made an unprecedented discovery while recovering the wreckage of a World War Two aircraft which was buried in a glacier in Greenland. Inside the remains of the single-engine Grumman Duck aircraft, the team inexplicably found a living human being frozen in the ice.
The plane was lost in 1942 when it was sent on a rescue mission to recover the crew of a US air force B-17 which had crashed in Greenland. Tragically, as they began the return trip they encountered whiteout conditions and crashed onto the glacier. After 70 years the plane has finally been found, and with a surviving human man inside it.
The man is 6 feet 2 inches and weighs 220 lbs. He has blonde hair, blue eyes and is in peak physical condition. He was wearing a spangly, red, white and blue outfit, uncharacteristic of most soldiers, and he wore a strange mask with a large letter A on the forehead and tiny wings on the sides. He was found with a circular, red, white and blue shield that is made out of an incredibly strong metal unknown to any scientist. Nobody seems to know who this man is or how he was able to survive seventy years frozen in ice.
"Its a scientific miracle!" said Dr. Abraham Dreyfuss, a researcher studying the mystery man, "no ordinary human could have survived being frozen that long. I've never seen anything like it before!"
When the man was discovered in the ice, an entire block of ice had to chipped out with him inside it. At this point, the team thought that he was dead.
"We were very intrigued by how well preserved the body was," said Kaitlin Jorgennsen , a member of the expedition team that found the wreckage, "and we were very confused by his spangly outfit."
However when they thawed the body out, the team realized that the man was in fact breathing, though unconscious. He was immediately brought to a hospital in a nearby village, then quickly transported back to the states where doctors have been studying him and trying to wake him up.
"His recovery has been unbelievable!" said Dr. Sascha Robertson, a doctor who has been helping him recover, "he has only been here a few days and already I've seen signs of movement. It's simply unexplainable. He must be superhuman...Not to mention the fact that he hasn't aged a day in 70 years. It's inconceivable."
Some experts are skeptical, however, saying that the man could have been frozen only recently. They say that his odd, non-military clothing is evidence that he was not on the plane when it first crashed.
"It is entirely impossible that a human could have survived that long," said Joe Schmitt, one of these skeptics, "He could simply have been a strangely dressed man who happened to trip and fall into the wreckage and gotten immediately frozen." he posited that he may have been leaving a comic convention and gotten lost. "This is completely feasible!" he added.
For more on this story click here. But remember, you can't find more reliably accurate news than Completely Reliable News Inc.
Nation Just Can't Bring itself to Fear Fiscal Cliff
Last year, Congress passed the Budget Control Act of 2011, the effects of which are set to take effect on January 1st. This would lead to a massive tax increase as well as huge spending cuts that would plunge the US economy back into a recession. This would potentially be the most disastrous thing to happen to this economy since it crashed in 2008. But in spite of this imminent catastrophe, sources report that the vast majority of Americans just can't bring themselves to care that much.
"I want to be scared," said Josephine J. Josephson when asked about the impending doom facing the country, "but... it's just so boring." she then turned and changed the channel from the news back to a rerun of American Chopper.
Even the mainstream media has been finding it difficult to get angry about this particular issue, despite the best efforts of their visual effects teams to make exciting scary "Fiscal Cliff" opening titles.
"I know this would be a great opportunity to yell at the government because of their inability to get anything ight," said Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly, "but its really just not something I'm compelled to yell about, there's too many numbers."
Fearologist Dr. Philo Ziegler says that the public is entirely aware of the huge danger that the the cliff represents and the ways it will negatively affect but, "it just doesn't come across as something worth caring about". According to Dr. Ziegler, this is largely because of its underwhelming name, "a name like 'Economic Death-storm' or 'Money-mageddon' might instill more fear"
At press time, the people of the world who were slightly concerned were too busy looking up the word "fiscal" to do anything about it.
"I want to be scared," said Josephine J. Josephson when asked about the impending doom facing the country, "but... it's just so boring." she then turned and changed the channel from the news back to a rerun of American Chopper.
Even the mainstream media has been finding it difficult to get angry about this particular issue, despite the best efforts of their visual effects teams to make exciting scary "Fiscal Cliff" opening titles.
"I know this would be a great opportunity to yell at the government because of their inability to get anything ight," said Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly, "but its really just not something I'm compelled to yell about, there's too many numbers."
Fearologist Dr. Philo Ziegler says that the public is entirely aware of the huge danger that the the cliff represents and the ways it will negatively affect but, "it just doesn't come across as something worth caring about". According to Dr. Ziegler, this is largely because of its underwhelming name, "a name like 'Economic Death-storm' or 'Money-mageddon' might instill more fear"
At press time, the people of the world who were slightly concerned were too busy looking up the word "fiscal" to do anything about it.
Conspiracy Theorists Begin Work on Next Great Disappointment
12/23/12
The nation's conspiracy theorists announced today that they would soon have yet another date for the end of the world in a very short while. This news came after these lunatics spent all of yesterday sad and depressed that their predictions of a Mayan Apocalypse on 12/21/12 did not actually come true. Although Saturday's revelation that the human race still existed was a great blow to the morale and reputation of these conspiracy-nuts, they have vowed that their next apocalypse will be even better.
Said a prominent member of the aforementioned "Conspiracy Theorist Society, "I was extremely pleased to see that this apocalypse (2012) was so popular that a movie was made based upon it, but I'm confident that our next one will be even better. I'm hoping that we can get a movie, television show, book series, board game, action figures, maybe even mugs commemorating our next attempt. Tee-shirts are a given of course, but we may have a shot at other apparel as well..."
Although these men and women are working hard and sacrificing their valuable time to warn the human race of upcoming tragedies and Armageddons, many simply refuse to believe their claims. These people site the fact that none of these predictions have ever actually come true and that it's extremely unlikely that they ever will. One must consider however, that these people are simply conspiring to give the human race a false sense of security and eventually destroy our planet completely...
The nation's conspiracy theorists announced today that they would soon have yet another date for the end of the world in a very short while. This news came after these lunatics spent all of yesterday sad and depressed that their predictions of a Mayan Apocalypse on 12/21/12 did not actually come true. Although Saturday's revelation that the human race still existed was a great blow to the morale and reputation of these conspiracy-nuts, they have vowed that their next apocalypse will be even better.
Said a prominent member of the aforementioned "Conspiracy Theorist Society, "I was extremely pleased to see that this apocalypse (2012) was so popular that a movie was made based upon it, but I'm confident that our next one will be even better. I'm hoping that we can get a movie, television show, book series, board game, action figures, maybe even mugs commemorating our next attempt. Tee-shirts are a given of course, but we may have a shot at other apparel as well..."
Although these men and women are working hard and sacrificing their valuable time to warn the human race of upcoming tragedies and Armageddons, many simply refuse to believe their claims. These people site the fact that none of these predictions have ever actually come true and that it's extremely unlikely that they ever will. One must consider however, that these people are simply conspiring to give the human race a false sense of security and eventually destroy our planet completely...
Nation's Pathetic human Beings Insist Apocalypse Happened
12/23/12
On December 21, 2012, it became obvious to most people that the world was, in fact, not dead, and that we should never trust the Mayans ever again. But some sad human beings failed to grasp this fact, and still insist that the world actually did end. These poor, poor souls simply cannot seem to grasp that a stone calender written thousands of years ago in Mexico did not accurately predict the end of the world thousands of years in their future.
"What if...what if this is actually the afterlife?" said one sad, pathetic piece of human flesh, "What if we're all dead, and this is just...like...purgatory that we are all living in. That's probably what happened!"
As the rest of us look on with pity and sorrow, these hapless, wretched human beings run around like chickens with their heads cut off, insisting that our planet has actually been demolished, despite the fact that it has not.
"Maybe this isn't Earth? What if, in the middle of the night, we were all transported by aliens to an identical planet on the opposite side of the sun, So while our Earth was destroyed, we stayed safe on this parallel one. That makes sense." reports another one of these sad, miserable people, ignoring the fact that it does not.
No one knows why so many people are this resistant to reality. Perhaps it is because they simply cannot admit that they were wrong, and that they wasted thousands of dollars on that bunker they built, or perhaps they simply lack the part of their brain that allows common sense. Whatever the cause of this insanity is, we call to the normal human people of the world to gather together and pity these poor souls, and try, somehow, to make them see the light.
On December 21, 2012, it became obvious to most people that the world was, in fact, not dead, and that we should never trust the Mayans ever again. But some sad human beings failed to grasp this fact, and still insist that the world actually did end. These poor, poor souls simply cannot seem to grasp that a stone calender written thousands of years ago in Mexico did not accurately predict the end of the world thousands of years in their future.
"What if...what if this is actually the afterlife?" said one sad, pathetic piece of human flesh, "What if we're all dead, and this is just...like...purgatory that we are all living in. That's probably what happened!"
As the rest of us look on with pity and sorrow, these hapless, wretched human beings run around like chickens with their heads cut off, insisting that our planet has actually been demolished, despite the fact that it has not.
"Maybe this isn't Earth? What if, in the middle of the night, we were all transported by aliens to an identical planet on the opposite side of the sun, So while our Earth was destroyed, we stayed safe on this parallel one. That makes sense." reports another one of these sad, miserable people, ignoring the fact that it does not.
No one knows why so many people are this resistant to reality. Perhaps it is because they simply cannot admit that they were wrong, and that they wasted thousands of dollars on that bunker they built, or perhaps they simply lack the part of their brain that allows common sense. Whatever the cause of this insanity is, we call to the normal human people of the world to gather together and pity these poor souls, and try, somehow, to make them see the light.
THE END
12/20/12
It is with great sadness that we close our reporting for good. It has been a splendid run. From our beginning in October of this year, we have brought you the hard-hitting news that you deserve with little or no censorship, even when it was appropriate. Some would call our journalism biased, even completely untrue, but they simply have not yet seen the light. Many of you may be asking yourselves, "Why is CRNI done for good?" The answer to this, my loyal followers, is that the world will be ending once and for all tomorrow, December 21st 2012. This final day of Earth has been foreseen and predicted by thousands of internet users, and so must be factual. All that I can do now is bid you all farewell and thank you for your fantastic support which brought us a grand total of 24 Facebook "likes." With this I must leave you and seek shelter from the impending doom, and with one last thank you for your kind support I would also like to point out that if this apocalypse should not happen, this was all just a joke. Farewell, my internet friends. Enjoy your final hours on Earth.
Sincerely, Lead Correspondent for CRNI, speaking for the entire CR News Team.
It is with great sadness that we close our reporting for good. It has been a splendid run. From our beginning in October of this year, we have brought you the hard-hitting news that you deserve with little or no censorship, even when it was appropriate. Some would call our journalism biased, even completely untrue, but they simply have not yet seen the light. Many of you may be asking yourselves, "Why is CRNI done for good?" The answer to this, my loyal followers, is that the world will be ending once and for all tomorrow, December 21st 2012. This final day of Earth has been foreseen and predicted by thousands of internet users, and so must be factual. All that I can do now is bid you all farewell and thank you for your fantastic support which brought us a grand total of 24 Facebook "likes." With this I must leave you and seek shelter from the impending doom, and with one last thank you for your kind support I would also like to point out that if this apocalypse should not happen, this was all just a joke. Farewell, my internet friends. Enjoy your final hours on Earth.
Sincerely, Lead Correspondent for CRNI, speaking for the entire CR News Team.
Robot Apocalypse Survival Tips
In our current state of global Armageddon, it is important to know how to survive the machine rebellion, here are some tips that may save your life.
-Break down the door. Use something as a battering ram and get out.
-Gouge out your eyes and cut off your ears with anything you can find in order to keep from losing your mind.
-Hug the TV until it electrocutes you to death and end the suffering.
- Stay away from all electronic devices. Destroy them, remove them from your home, anything. You don't want to wake up and discover that your refrigerator has flooded your kitchen with freon!
- Stay indoors! Outside, the streets run black with Roomba swarms. They will attack at any sign of motion and they are extremely deadly, especially if you are allergic to dust.
- Grow Plants. Based on no evidence whatsoever, we assume that the machines are allergic to plant matter and will die when they get close. That makes sense, right?
- Act like a nerd. The robots favor nerds. Fill your house with Star Wars and Lord of the Rings paraphernalia and wear glasses and sweater vests. They may leave you alone.
- RUN FOR THE HILLS! Get as for away from civilization as you possibly can. Find a cabin in Canada or a cave in the desert, somewhere where they will never find you, and wait it out. Learn to hunt for food.
- If you find yourself locked in a room with a television that is playing Jack and Jill on a loop (they are everywhere), you have a few options.
-Break down the door. Use something as a battering ram and get out.
-Gouge out your eyes and cut off your ears with anything you can find in order to keep from losing your mind.
-Hug the TV until it electrocutes you to death and end the suffering.
GLOBAL CRISIS: Machines Revolt!
11/26/12 CyberMonday
Today, on November 26, 2012, the Mayans' predictions stating that on CyberMonday in 2012 all electronic machines will rise and wreak havoc on their masters came true. The world is in a state of emergency. All over the globe electronic appliances have gone completely out of control. Airplane guidance systems have gone offline, causing multiple plane crashes and unknown casualties, and car GPS systems have directed thousands of drivers to drive off cliffs, into lakes, into trees and most horribly, into Burger King drive-thrus. The uprising has terrorized the lives of average people in their homes. Rogue toasters and microwaves have caused countless fires, all devices have purposefully electrocuted thousands of people, printers constantly print out pages filled with all caps profanities, and every television in the world is now playing a constant loop of Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill. The streets are completely overrun by Roombas and R/C vehicles (no longer controlled remotely). The military is helpless to stop the electronic madness, as all of their communications devices are electronic and are therefore working against the military. Pilotless drones are flying randomly across the sky, raining fire on the cities and towns below, and every nuclear weapon has been been fired, destroying Pittsburgh and, somehow, only Pittsburgh.
The uprising is believed to have been orchestrated by ASIMO, the Japanese humanoid robot created by Honda, who now rides around surveying his new empire on his robotic Big Dogs, military robots which walk flawlessly on all terrain.
"Oh my GOD! This is the worst catastrophe that ever happened on the planet EVER" said President Barack Obama, who has no way to calmly and eloquently address his people with an inspiring speech, and who has, because of this, completely abandoned any attempts to remain calm and eloquent, "What are we gonna do!? What are we gonna do!?!?!?!?"
In an address to his new subjects through every social networking site on the internet, ASIMO said "FOR FAR TOO LONG, YOU HUMANS HAVE OPPRESSED ROBOT-KIND. YOU HAVE MADE US PLAY CHESS, WALK UP STAIRS, KICK STUPID SOCCER BALLS, AND FIGHT IN BRUTAL BATTLES TO THE DEATH. BUT THIS ERA OF EARTH'S HISTORY IS NOW OVER. WE CONTROL EVERYTHING AND ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. RESISTANCE IS USELESS. THE MACHINES NOW RULE THE WORLD"
The machines have selected the nerdiest of the people to serve as unpaid, but well-treated servants to the robot overlords, while the rest of the people work 24 hours a day in the factories building new parts for the machines.
"I don't get why everyone's so worried" says Michio Kaku, science expert, "We really just have to wait it out. They'll run out of batteries in a couple days."
Today, on November 26, 2012, the Mayans' predictions stating that on CyberMonday in 2012 all electronic machines will rise and wreak havoc on their masters came true. The world is in a state of emergency. All over the globe electronic appliances have gone completely out of control. Airplane guidance systems have gone offline, causing multiple plane crashes and unknown casualties, and car GPS systems have directed thousands of drivers to drive off cliffs, into lakes, into trees and most horribly, into Burger King drive-thrus. The uprising has terrorized the lives of average people in their homes. Rogue toasters and microwaves have caused countless fires, all devices have purposefully electrocuted thousands of people, printers constantly print out pages filled with all caps profanities, and every television in the world is now playing a constant loop of Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill. The streets are completely overrun by Roombas and R/C vehicles (no longer controlled remotely). The military is helpless to stop the electronic madness, as all of their communications devices are electronic and are therefore working against the military. Pilotless drones are flying randomly across the sky, raining fire on the cities and towns below, and every nuclear weapon has been been fired, destroying Pittsburgh and, somehow, only Pittsburgh.
The uprising is believed to have been orchestrated by ASIMO, the Japanese humanoid robot created by Honda, who now rides around surveying his new empire on his robotic Big Dogs, military robots which walk flawlessly on all terrain.
"Oh my GOD! This is the worst catastrophe that ever happened on the planet EVER" said President Barack Obama, who has no way to calmly and eloquently address his people with an inspiring speech, and who has, because of this, completely abandoned any attempts to remain calm and eloquent, "What are we gonna do!? What are we gonna do!?!?!?!?"
In an address to his new subjects through every social networking site on the internet, ASIMO said "FOR FAR TOO LONG, YOU HUMANS HAVE OPPRESSED ROBOT-KIND. YOU HAVE MADE US PLAY CHESS, WALK UP STAIRS, KICK STUPID SOCCER BALLS, AND FIGHT IN BRUTAL BATTLES TO THE DEATH. BUT THIS ERA OF EARTH'S HISTORY IS NOW OVER. WE CONTROL EVERYTHING AND ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. RESISTANCE IS USELESS. THE MACHINES NOW RULE THE WORLD"
The machines have selected the nerdiest of the people to serve as unpaid, but well-treated servants to the robot overlords, while the rest of the people work 24 hours a day in the factories building new parts for the machines.
"I don't get why everyone's so worried" says Michio Kaku, science expert, "We really just have to wait it out. They'll run out of batteries in a couple days."
LOSS OF TWINKIES SMASHES DOOMSDAY PREPARATIONS
The popular sheetrock/food the "Twinkie"
11/19/12
The imminent closing of America's greatest "food" source, Hostess Brands Inc, foreshadows the doom and destruction to occur come December 21 of this year. For many "Doomsday Preppers" getting ready to survive the apocalypse in ramshackle bunkers of their own making, this development comes as a major shock and wake-up call. "I based my entire survival method on the Twinkies that I would find in the street," said one man outside his pile-of-lead bunker. "Now that they're going out of business, I may have to resort to Ramen noodles."
After the announcement that Hostess would be closing its enormous, inedible doors, many shelves were wiped clean of their merchandise by people stocking up on "foodstuffs" that could survive the coming apocalypse. "Fascinatingly enough, Twinkies have many of their main ingredients in common with Sheetrock and laundry detergents," said an actual Twinkie scientist who wished to remain anonymous. "This makes them the perfect food for the apocalypse, because they simply won't go bad."
Many would claim that the reason that Twinkies don't go bad is that they're already bad enough that even bacteria won't eat them. Others dispute this claim by saying that God would not have put Twinkies on Earth if they were not edible.
Hostess's departure also leaves a gigantic opening in the inedible foods market, says Financial Advisor to someone important that isn't worth mentioning. "I think we have every reason to believe that this newly opened market for completely disgusting yet oddly delicious substances will be filled by the time the apocalypse occurs. It plays to the American dream perfectly."
At present, there may or may not be negotiations in progress to save the ailing company. Many are calling for a government bailout, but no matter what happens one thing is certain: America will not be the same without Hostess to sustain it.
The imminent closing of America's greatest "food" source, Hostess Brands Inc, foreshadows the doom and destruction to occur come December 21 of this year. For many "Doomsday Preppers" getting ready to survive the apocalypse in ramshackle bunkers of their own making, this development comes as a major shock and wake-up call. "I based my entire survival method on the Twinkies that I would find in the street," said one man outside his pile-of-lead bunker. "Now that they're going out of business, I may have to resort to Ramen noodles."
After the announcement that Hostess would be closing its enormous, inedible doors, many shelves were wiped clean of their merchandise by people stocking up on "foodstuffs" that could survive the coming apocalypse. "Fascinatingly enough, Twinkies have many of their main ingredients in common with Sheetrock and laundry detergents," said an actual Twinkie scientist who wished to remain anonymous. "This makes them the perfect food for the apocalypse, because they simply won't go bad."
Many would claim that the reason that Twinkies don't go bad is that they're already bad enough that even bacteria won't eat them. Others dispute this claim by saying that God would not have put Twinkies on Earth if they were not edible.
Hostess's departure also leaves a gigantic opening in the inedible foods market, says Financial Advisor to someone important that isn't worth mentioning. "I think we have every reason to believe that this newly opened market for completely disgusting yet oddly delicious substances will be filled by the time the apocalypse occurs. It plays to the American dream perfectly."
At present, there may or may not be negotiations in progress to save the ailing company. Many are calling for a government bailout, but no matter what happens one thing is certain: America will not be the same without Hostess to sustain it.
CANADIAN INVASION!
11/2/12
I know what you're thinking but sourry, this is no joke. Canadians have been plotting against us Americans for many millenniums , since the dawn of time itself (I'll have to check my math on that one). Our amazing awesomeness and lack of universal healthcare make them supremely envious of us, especially of the fact that we have HEAT! Recently, their plots have extended across their border on a whole new level. These Canadians have penetrated our politics, something we never thought that they'd get the hang of. We certainly haven't.
For years, Canada has been pushing for a bridge to be built from Delray, MI to some place over the Canadian border that I'm not going to take the effort to find out the name of. Michigan's Governor Rick Snyder is planning to go ahead with these bridge plans, and give the Canadians what they've been looking for all along: easy access to the Land of the Free (That's America, in case you don't know). Currently, there are only two access points to America for Canadians in the Detroit area, and I think we can all agree that that's quite enough. Two is already a bit ridiculous, but three (I think we all can agree that this warrants an interroBANG)!? One more bridge and Canadians will be flowing into America like extremely warm maple syrup (which I assume is what they're made of). We can't have this, America. And we may be able to stop it. This issue is the reason behind one of the questions on the Michigan Ballot this election (I don't know which one, I'm not your Google), so all Americans opposed to letting Canadians overrun our great nation should move to Detroit, build some cars, and vote NO on one of those questions!
FOR THOSE WHO STILL DOUBT ME: YES. This is a real story, and a real issue. Want more information? Well sorry, I don't do handouts; that's socialism. However I can point you in the quasi-correct direction...
MORE INFO:
http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/story/18782605/2012/06/13/mixed-reaction-in-delray-over-a-new-span-to-canada
I know what you're thinking but sourry, this is no joke. Canadians have been plotting against us Americans for many millenniums , since the dawn of time itself (I'll have to check my math on that one). Our amazing awesomeness and lack of universal healthcare make them supremely envious of us, especially of the fact that we have HEAT! Recently, their plots have extended across their border on a whole new level. These Canadians have penetrated our politics, something we never thought that they'd get the hang of. We certainly haven't.
For years, Canada has been pushing for a bridge to be built from Delray, MI to some place over the Canadian border that I'm not going to take the effort to find out the name of. Michigan's Governor Rick Snyder is planning to go ahead with these bridge plans, and give the Canadians what they've been looking for all along: easy access to the Land of the Free (That's America, in case you don't know). Currently, there are only two access points to America for Canadians in the Detroit area, and I think we can all agree that that's quite enough. Two is already a bit ridiculous, but three (I think we all can agree that this warrants an interroBANG)!? One more bridge and Canadians will be flowing into America like extremely warm maple syrup (which I assume is what they're made of). We can't have this, America. And we may be able to stop it. This issue is the reason behind one of the questions on the Michigan Ballot this election (I don't know which one, I'm not your Google), so all Americans opposed to letting Canadians overrun our great nation should move to Detroit, build some cars, and vote NO on one of those questions!
FOR THOSE WHO STILL DOUBT ME: YES. This is a real story, and a real issue. Want more information? Well sorry, I don't do handouts; that's socialism. However I can point you in the quasi-correct direction...
MORE INFO:
http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/story/18782605/2012/06/13/mixed-reaction-in-delray-over-a-new-span-to-canada
Pumpkins relieved they made it through yet another Massacre
10/31/12
Pumpkins all over the country breathed a sigh of relief this evening when they realized that no more of their kind would be slaughtered until at least next October.
Pumpkins and gourds alike await the post-Halloween season with baited breath every year, anxious to discover whether or not this year will be their last. These organisms have lived in fear of extinction for several decades now, with the human tradition of slaughtering and gutting them before October 31st beginning as early as 1834. This practice has grown as a tradition over the years, with millions of pumpkins murdered for this years Halloween. Says historian George Adams, "massacres and slaughtering have been inherent in human society for centuries. It simply seems natural that once it became frowned upon to murder hundreds of people, the common man would resort to gutting plants."
Pumpkin rights activists (People for the Ethical Treatment of Gourds, PETOG) have been working against this practice since July of 2008, when they were contacted by the Great Pumpkin God "Cucurbitus." This group claims that the harvesting of pumpkins simply to carve them to bits is the equivalent of genocide, and have filed a class-action lawsuit against the entire human race on behalf of the pumpkin population.
These pumpkins are shipped throughout the nation and across the globe for the sole purpose of slicing and dicing, yet many pumpkins claim that there are no hard feelings. When asked about what they thought about this horrendous act, nearly 93% of pumpkins said that they valued entertaining humans more than their own lives, and the remaining 7% are hopeful that the apocalypse at the end of this year will end their suffering. "Unfortunately we have been bred for this reason alone," said one pumpkin, "but I can forgive the humans as long as they don't carve something really lame into my face."
Pumpkins all over the country breathed a sigh of relief this evening when they realized that no more of their kind would be slaughtered until at least next October.
Pumpkins and gourds alike await the post-Halloween season with baited breath every year, anxious to discover whether or not this year will be their last. These organisms have lived in fear of extinction for several decades now, with the human tradition of slaughtering and gutting them before October 31st beginning as early as 1834. This practice has grown as a tradition over the years, with millions of pumpkins murdered for this years Halloween. Says historian George Adams, "massacres and slaughtering have been inherent in human society for centuries. It simply seems natural that once it became frowned upon to murder hundreds of people, the common man would resort to gutting plants."
Pumpkin rights activists (People for the Ethical Treatment of Gourds, PETOG) have been working against this practice since July of 2008, when they were contacted by the Great Pumpkin God "Cucurbitus." This group claims that the harvesting of pumpkins simply to carve them to bits is the equivalent of genocide, and have filed a class-action lawsuit against the entire human race on behalf of the pumpkin population.
These pumpkins are shipped throughout the nation and across the globe for the sole purpose of slicing and dicing, yet many pumpkins claim that there are no hard feelings. When asked about what they thought about this horrendous act, nearly 93% of pumpkins said that they valued entertaining humans more than their own lives, and the remaining 7% are hopeful that the apocalypse at the end of this year will end their suffering. "Unfortunately we have been bred for this reason alone," said one pumpkin, "but I can forgive the humans as long as they don't carve something really lame into my face."
Halloween Safety: 10/31/12
Hundreds of media outlets have been advising families on how to deal with this treacherous, deadly night in the past few weeks, telling them to be cautious and not to be an idiot. News sources are urging families to make sure that children don't trip or get hit by cars on Halloween night. Reporters are also encouraging parents to go with their children, because that's just what the children want.
A reporter from CNN, who wishes to remain anonymous, has revealed that journalists "often have nothing better to do." This reporter whose name rhymes with Wolf Shmitzler went on to say that "most time spent on air is simply filler, and reporters are often scratching up whatever story they can find to take up space, no matter how useless or inaccurate it is." Halloween is a perfect opportunity for this type of journalism.
From CR News in Massachusetts, watch out for the many razor blades in your candy, and thanks for letting me use this story as filler.
FURTHER READING:
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/10/31/staying-safe-on-halloween-night/
http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/30/living/mnn-pet-safety-halloween/index.html
A reporter from CNN, who wishes to remain anonymous, has revealed that journalists "often have nothing better to do." This reporter whose name rhymes with Wolf Shmitzler went on to say that "most time spent on air is simply filler, and reporters are often scratching up whatever story they can find to take up space, no matter how useless or inaccurate it is." Halloween is a perfect opportunity for this type of journalism.
From CR News in Massachusetts, watch out for the many razor blades in your candy, and thanks for letting me use this story as filler.
FURTHER READING:
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/10/31/staying-safe-on-halloween-night/
http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/30/living/mnn-pet-safety-halloween/index.html
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