COMPLETELY ACCURATE PREDICTIONS OF YOUR FUTURE!!!!
Forget those other horoscopes on loser newspapers and things. This is the real deal. Our crack team of a single astrologer has done some crazy stuff that need not be mentioned to gaze into the future and tell you all about it. No longer vague, stupid predictions, this page re-defines the term "horoscope" as a way to live every day of your life, with predictions so accurate and detailed that you may not want to leave your house.
Horoscope for December
- Aries: You will be hit with the sudden realization that your fashion sense is terrible: if you wish to avoid intense embarrassment, listen to Uranus and wear nothing but fur for the rest of the year.
- Taurus: Your home will collapse under mysterious circumstances! Dredge up the hammer and nails and build yourself that dream shack you've always wanted.
- Gemini: For once in your life, you should shut your trap; if you continue to talk, you will speak only in Yiddish, a curse from the stars.
- Cancer: Your Venus in Capricorn means you will get drunk and make a terrible mistake in your romantic life. Avoid being social for a month.
- Leo: Your excessive pride will be your downfall. This is unavoidable and you should really just give up now.
- Virgo: Expect a huge surprise today. When the aliens come to abduct you and probe you, make sure to look shocked so they don't know we told you.
- Libra: Tomorrow a very special and talented person will win the lottery, and guess who Jupiter says it is! Not you!
- Scorpio: You may feel a bit embarrassed today. But don't worry, its only because there's a penis tattooed on your forehead. Scorpios are notorious trend-setters, though, so you can pull it off. Flaunt it like a new pair of shoes. Soon everyone will have one.
- Sagittarius: There is a sad and gaping hole in soul where a long lost love once was. Fill it with 30 pounds of strawberry ice cream and a 72-hour video-game marathon.
- Capricorn: The stars say that you should totally do that dance you love to do at the talent show next week. Don't. The stars just want to watch you fail.
- Aquarius: All Aquariuses are intelligent, caring, and fun. Don't tell anyone, but the stars like you the best.
- Pisces: If an Aquarius comes up to you with a smile on their face, punch them right in the mouth. They think they're better than you, the smug little pricks.
Horoscopes for November
- Aries: This will be a good week for you. You will be offered the job of manager of the biggest Cumberland Farms in Athens, New York. Congratulations on the start of your first career.
- Taurus: You will find your true love in the coffee shop tomorrow morning. They will be wearing a pink carnation in their coat and will not be wearing any pants. If you get there early you'll be able to catch them before they get arrested
- Gemini: The position of Saturn says that you are a terrible person. Those people who say they are your friends do not love you. They only want to take your money when you die. If I were you I'd leave and never come back. Nobody wants you here.
- Cancer: If a homeless person on the street ask for some money, cleanse your soul and give them all your life savings, your house, and your car. There is no greater pleasure in life than helping a person in need. You will feel reborn.
- Leo: Try to avoid any Geminis. They aren't real people. They are the source of all your problems. They killed your dog when you were a kid. Doesn't that make you angry? Did you know its technically legal in your state to assault a Gemini as long as nobody is watching.
- Virgo: Expect a huge surprise today. When the aliens come to abduct you and probe you, make sure to look shocked so they don't know we told you.
- Libra: Tomorrow a very special and talented person will win the lottery, and guess who Jupiter says it is! Not you!
- Scorpio: You may feel a bit embarrassed today. But don't worry, its only because there's a penis tattooed on your forehead. Scorpios are notorious trend-setters, though, so you can pull it off. Flaunt it like a new pair of shoes. Soon everyone will have one.
- Sagittarius: There is a sad and gaping hole in soul where a long lost love once was. Fill it with 30 pounds of strawberry ice cream and a 72-hour video-game marathon.
- Capricorn: The stars say that you should totally do that dance you love to do at the talent show next week. Don't. The stars just want to watch you fail.
- Aquarius: All Aquariuses are intelligent, caring, and fun. Don't tell anyone, but the stars like you the best.
- Pisces: If an Aquarius comes up to you with a smile on their face, punch them right in the mouth. They think they're better than you, the smug little pricks.
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