HIt the ball into the netty thing
I'm going to be honest with you, AS I ALWAYS AM: I don't know too much when it comes to sports. That's why I found a columnist. He will fill this page with sport related... stuff. I likely won't even pay attention to such things and will let him run wild like a boar through a happy meadow. Be prepared for anything, for I am not a boar wrangler.
49ers Disappointed by Failure of their EMP Device
Coach Jim Harbaugh screams in anger at the EMP's failure
2/5/13
Following Sunday's historic Super Bowl, sources report that members of the San Francisco 49ers were extremely disappointed that their EMP device failed to win them the game. The owners, coaches and players of the team all claimed responsibility for the 35-minute power outage that shut out half the lights in New Orleans's Super Dome Stadium, and they express their deep dismay that their plot to disrupt the Ravens' momentum failed to achieve its objective and win them the game.
Sources report that members of the team had planted two powerful electromagnetic pulse devices on either side of the stadium.
"They were supposed to shut off the WHOLE stadium!" shouted Coach Jim Harbaugh angrily, "but that loser Kaepernick forgot to press the goddamn button!"
The EMPs were only meant to be used in a situation where the Ravens' momentum was so great that a loss seemed imminent for San Francisco, when the game entered the second half with 21 to 6 point lead, it became clear to the 49ers that they were just such a situation. The power outage was meant to shake the Ravens' resolve and disrupt their momentum enough to enable the 49ers to come back and win.
"It almost worked!" said 49er running back Frank Gore, "the blackout definitely, like, got to them, y'know, they started screwin' up big time in the second half," but in the end, with only one of the EMPs succeeding, the half-blackout simply wasn't jarring enough to win the game for the 49ers.
"I worked so hard building that bomb! All for nothing!" whined wide receiver Randy Moss, "I don't know if I'll ever get another chance to utilize my MIT education in electrical engineering!"
Following Sunday's historic Super Bowl, sources report that members of the San Francisco 49ers were extremely disappointed that their EMP device failed to win them the game. The owners, coaches and players of the team all claimed responsibility for the 35-minute power outage that shut out half the lights in New Orleans's Super Dome Stadium, and they express their deep dismay that their plot to disrupt the Ravens' momentum failed to achieve its objective and win them the game.
Sources report that members of the team had planted two powerful electromagnetic pulse devices on either side of the stadium.
"They were supposed to shut off the WHOLE stadium!" shouted Coach Jim Harbaugh angrily, "but that loser Kaepernick forgot to press the goddamn button!"
The EMPs were only meant to be used in a situation where the Ravens' momentum was so great that a loss seemed imminent for San Francisco, when the game entered the second half with 21 to 6 point lead, it became clear to the 49ers that they were just such a situation. The power outage was meant to shake the Ravens' resolve and disrupt their momentum enough to enable the 49ers to come back and win.
"It almost worked!" said 49er running back Frank Gore, "the blackout definitely, like, got to them, y'know, they started screwin' up big time in the second half," but in the end, with only one of the EMPs succeeding, the half-blackout simply wasn't jarring enough to win the game for the 49ers.
"I worked so hard building that bomb! All for nothing!" whined wide receiver Randy Moss, "I don't know if I'll ever get another chance to utilize my MIT education in electrical engineering!"
Men Carry Piece of leather Slowly Across Field, Nation Rejoices
2/4/13
Last night hundreds of millions of people eagerly turned on their magic picture screens to see two groups of very large men try to carry a small spheroid-shaped lump of leather to opposite ends of a 100-yard long area of grass. This event was known to many as Superbowl XLVII, which ended up being the most watched television event in history.
Fans stared intently at their screens to see these freakishly muscular men dressed in very tight, colorful outfits and funny hats as they repeatedly beat each other into the ground in an attempt to move a small object that can only be described as "football shaped", across a distance of 300 feet, while prohibiting the other team from accomplishing this same goal. Due to this intense conflict of interest, the ball tends to move very slowly, sometimes covering only three of four feet in the span of two minutes.
At first glance one might think that the players are not very dedicated to pursuit of their goal, as much of their time is spent either crouching in a line or doing nothing but wait around until someone decides to start, and since the players give up trying to move the ball as soon as they fall down. But, as sports enthusiast and MIT professor Dr. Alex Bedakis says, "once you see how brutally these men are willing to beat the crap out each other and how many times they are willing to smash their head into another person's chest in order achieve their goal, you realize how much winning really means to them."
The game begins when one of the people having brought the spheroid within feet of its intended destination, cruelly kicks it all the way across the field, where men wearing different colored clothes catch it, and begin to carry it back to where it just was. From that point on the participants move the ball down the field in painfully small increments until it reaches the other side of the field. Sometimes, the men will decide to abandon this tactic and they will instead kick the leather thingy between two big yellow metal thingies.
"It gets especially exciting when one of the guys manages to carry the ball more than fifty feet at one time," said red-shirt-wearing people fan Dan Bronski. This happened a couple of times during this particular confrontation, such as when one of the white-shirt-wearing people impossibly managed to run a full 109 yards with the ball, which had never been done before. "It was incredible! I didn't even think that was possible!" said Jim Dakota, an avid white-shirt-wearing people fan, despite the fact that, in any other context, this feat would not be that impressive.
However, Jim, Dan, and millions of other screaming people agree that this is the greatest form of physical activity on the planet.
Last night hundreds of millions of people eagerly turned on their magic picture screens to see two groups of very large men try to carry a small spheroid-shaped lump of leather to opposite ends of a 100-yard long area of grass. This event was known to many as Superbowl XLVII, which ended up being the most watched television event in history.
Fans stared intently at their screens to see these freakishly muscular men dressed in very tight, colorful outfits and funny hats as they repeatedly beat each other into the ground in an attempt to move a small object that can only be described as "football shaped", across a distance of 300 feet, while prohibiting the other team from accomplishing this same goal. Due to this intense conflict of interest, the ball tends to move very slowly, sometimes covering only three of four feet in the span of two minutes.
At first glance one might think that the players are not very dedicated to pursuit of their goal, as much of their time is spent either crouching in a line or doing nothing but wait around until someone decides to start, and since the players give up trying to move the ball as soon as they fall down. But, as sports enthusiast and MIT professor Dr. Alex Bedakis says, "once you see how brutally these men are willing to beat the crap out each other and how many times they are willing to smash their head into another person's chest in order achieve their goal, you realize how much winning really means to them."
The game begins when one of the people having brought the spheroid within feet of its intended destination, cruelly kicks it all the way across the field, where men wearing different colored clothes catch it, and begin to carry it back to where it just was. From that point on the participants move the ball down the field in painfully small increments until it reaches the other side of the field. Sometimes, the men will decide to abandon this tactic and they will instead kick the leather thingy between two big yellow metal thingies.
"It gets especially exciting when one of the guys manages to carry the ball more than fifty feet at one time," said red-shirt-wearing people fan Dan Bronski. This happened a couple of times during this particular confrontation, such as when one of the white-shirt-wearing people impossibly managed to run a full 109 yards with the ball, which had never been done before. "It was incredible! I didn't even think that was possible!" said Jim Dakota, an avid white-shirt-wearing people fan, despite the fact that, in any other context, this feat would not be that impressive.
However, Jim, Dan, and millions of other screaming people agree that this is the greatest form of physical activity on the planet.
Candidates Resort to Simpler Tactics
Candidates have also had enough of campaigning.
As the campaigns for president quickly wind down, even the candidates grow tired of pandering and speaking to crowds. Earlier today, the nation saw many of these candidates reach their breaking point. Sick and tired of getting nowhere with the American people, Presidential hopefuls Herman Cain and Ron Paul ended up meeting each other with their fists in an all out battle to the death this morning, while the American public and main-stream media watched with rapt attention. "It was like a return to the gladiatorial days of Rome," said onlooker Joe Smith, selling pebbles and stones to throw at the candidates to increase the entertainment and enjoyment for the crowd. "It's really quite fantastic," he continued, adding "I wish all campaigns were decided like this."
Neither Herman Cain or Ron Paul were actually in the race at the point when they started fighting, but it was obvious to everyone that this day would come. "Cain and Paul were bound to fight from the Iowa Straw Poll," said Paul supporter Carol Paul, incidentally his wife. "There was just a certain animosity between them from the start."
No one is entirely certain about how or why this fistfight actually broke out. Many have posited that it was simply the pre-election day tension that finally got to them, even though they weren't actually running. Supporters of this theory cite the fact that many simple citizens (peasants, if you like) also go head to head in combat quite often because of their political views, with no obvious reason as to why.
In any case, much of the nation is still awaiting the end of this possibly eternal battle between Ron Paul and Herman Cain, and wondering when Bachman, Perry, Obama, and Romney will get in for the action.
Neither Herman Cain or Ron Paul were actually in the race at the point when they started fighting, but it was obvious to everyone that this day would come. "Cain and Paul were bound to fight from the Iowa Straw Poll," said Paul supporter Carol Paul, incidentally his wife. "There was just a certain animosity between them from the start."
No one is entirely certain about how or why this fistfight actually broke out. Many have posited that it was simply the pre-election day tension that finally got to them, even though they weren't actually running. Supporters of this theory cite the fact that many simple citizens (peasants, if you like) also go head to head in combat quite often because of their political views, with no obvious reason as to why.
In any case, much of the nation is still awaiting the end of this possibly eternal battle between Ron Paul and Herman Cain, and wondering when Bachman, Perry, Obama, and Romney will get in for the action.
Marathon cancelled, phelps sad.
(11/4/12) The New York Marathon, which was supposed to happen today, was cancelled. If you have been completely impervious to news reports, there was a hurricane (Hurricane Sandy), which hit the east coast very hard. Many parts of New York, where the New York Marathon is held, were flooded. Michael Phelps stated to this handsome reporter on Thursday, "Wow, I can't wait to swim this marathon. 26.2 miles? I can do that. Nobody else can swim that much. Nevertheless, I am very excited to win this thing." With the race being over, Phelps has placed himself under house arrest. He stays inside, eating bananas and smoking marijuana, staring at the spot above his fireplace on which he would place his first place marathon trophy. IF HE HAD ONE.
Dog fighter tossed a bone
(11/1/12) Michael Vick, the former puppy pounder and also the quarterback (the ball throwing guy in football) of the Philadelphia Eagles was under fire from sports analysts about not performing well enough in the past, and especially in their loss against the Atlanta Falcons this past Sunday. If it weren't enough that he were working on a holy day (Sunday), he could not master the art of throwing, which most have down at the age of five. Apparently millions of dollars doesn't compare to being a child. But I digress, as the true issue was whether he would play this Sunday or not. The coach of the Eagles, Andy Reid, said that he had no intention of "benching" the quarterback. Reid stated it was the best Sunday was one of the best games he had see Michael Vick play. This is much more sad than it is inspirational, due to the fact that the Eagles lost. Bottom line, you will be seeing Michael Vick play on Sunday. If you have nothing better to do on a Sunday than watch the Philadelphia Eagles (of all teams). That's all for the sports for now, but remember to check out all of the articles from CR News.
HERMIT CRAB RACING
(10/31/12) As an asthmatic, this sport is perfect for me. I discovered it through the Deranged Millionaire John Hodgman's works of Complete World Knowledge. For more information:
Recent Articles
|
Share the Truth
|