Foreign Relations Policy for Operations in the International Landscape
A not-at all sarcastic guide on how to decide when to intervene, in response to the crisis in Northern Iraq.
- When debating whether or not to intervene, consider ONLY the following:
- Does it make me look strong/cool? Intervention is only worth it if it’s a competition.
- Do they have oil? How does this benefit me and my trade interests?
- Can intervention be perceived as “humanitarian?”
- Will my people assassinate me? How effectively can the media divert attention from military actions back to squirrels on surfboards?
- Are the bad guys going to return in thirty years? If so, will they still appreciate the funding and training you gave them?
- Will it make the Russians look bad?
- When supporting militant rebel groups, remember the invisible hand of the free market.
- How easily can a benevolent dictator be installed/controlled?
- Only attack “military targets:” innocent civilians don’t count as casualties.
- How many people will riot?
- MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL - Will I lose my corporate sponsorships?
- Wait until the dust settles; only then do we pick which side to agree with.
- When possible, view conflict from borders of neighboring peaceful countries.
- Drone strikes are a cost-effective way to improve foreign relations. Innocent civilians may or may not be killed.
- Make sure to forcibly install a freely-elected government following conflict.
- When in doubt, send them to Guantanamo! Affordable housing!