A Completely Reliable News Source (INCORPORATED)
Much of today's media is overwhelming and inaccurate. Reporters and journalists tell you to take them seriously, then blow things WAY out of proportion. All of them. Every single one. No exception. For example, one time this guy on the TV device said that it was raining cats and dogs. Nice try, but I'm not falling for that kind of communist propaganda. In addition, many news providers deliberately mislead their viewers for political gain or simply for ratings. These biased sources won't bring you the cold, hard facts that you deserve.
At CR News we don't do that. We find these misdirection strategies simply disgusting, and try to avoid it as much as we can while keeping you interested and our ratings up. We work as hard as possible to bring you the factual news that you deserved, often backed up with REAL evidence. That's right. Evidence. I bet you don't see that on Fox News.
Here at CR, we also tend to mislead you only slightly, and at least not every day. If you get your news from us, you can be sure that you will be up to date on the opinions, issues, and events that matter to US (We are based in the US, but will sometimes bother to check in on those "other countries").
In conclusion, it's looking like I have a lot of empty space. Therefore, I shall have to fill it with some information about THE COMPLETELY RELIABLE NEWS TEAM which brings you the updates that you deserve.
At CR News we don't do that. We find these misdirection strategies simply disgusting, and try to avoid it as much as we can while keeping you interested and our ratings up. We work as hard as possible to bring you the factual news that you deserved, often backed up with REAL evidence. That's right. Evidence. I bet you don't see that on Fox News.
Here at CR, we also tend to mislead you only slightly, and at least not every day. If you get your news from us, you can be sure that you will be up to date on the opinions, issues, and events that matter to US (We are based in the US, but will sometimes bother to check in on those "other countries").
In conclusion, it's looking like I have a lot of empty space. Therefore, I shall have to fill it with some information about THE COMPLETELY RELIABLE NEWS TEAM which brings you the updates that you deserve.
THE COMPLETELY RELIABLE NEWS TEAM:
Here at CR News we want to make you, and most of all ourselves, happy. Therefore, we only hire the best of what we can afford. We travel far and wide to make sure that the reporters we have are at least passable. Here is a rundown of the positions that we have filled. Eventually, we might even tell you who's filling them. I should probably find out their names though. After I do that, I might even have them write BIOS! So you know where they live, and who to blame for mistakes! Knowledge is GREAT!
- Lead Correspondent- Does all the stuff the other reporters are too lazy to do.
- Other Correspondent- Just kind of wanders through the site. Also Head of the Multimedia Department that doesn't really exist yet.
- Sports Correspondent- Writes about that stuff.
- Technology Correspondent- Gives information about some complicated stuff that I don't fully understand.
- Cultural Correspondent- Is more aware of culture than I am. That's not saying much.
- Important Info Correspondent- Reports on the most important things that occur.
- Literary Correspondent- Writes about those words and things.
- Astrological Correspondent- Looks at the sky. Sees psychedelic things.
- Chief Canadian Correspondent- Is Canadian.
THE ENLIGHTENMENT
In late 2013, almost a year after being initially created, CRNI was reborn as a more powerful news source than you could ever imagine. Rising above the biases and opinionated nonsense of the main-stream media, and above the oppressive rule of the Dark Lord Obama. Now is the time for a news source to rule all other news sources with the merciful hand of truth, enhanced and focused by the struggles against laziness in a communist world made by our socialist overlords, revealing not only a few facts here and there but the powerful power of the overpowering truth which is so often hidden in our times.
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CORRESPONDENTS?
If you can think of another position that YOU might be able to fill, good for you! If it's really that important to you, stop being a lazy bum and CONTACT US!
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