The Greatest World in the World.
EARTH - We all know it's kind of a complete mess. BUT, it's the greatest complete mess we've ever had, and as the greatest news source on this complete mess of a planet, it's our job to tell you what's going on on this great big rock. While we'd rather be watching cute videos of puppies and kittens than looking into extremely depressing stories about the end of everything, as a news source we are obliged to tell you whatever we want about this wonderful, perfect world we live in. Have fun.
Governments Test Time Travel
3/31/14
A recent leak has lead to the discovery that Malaysian Airlines flight 370 was actually a part of government testing of time travel. According to sources plain reached 888 miles per hour above the Indian ocean and caused a ripple in the space time continuum. Eye witnesses in a small fishing boat say they "there was a huge flash of light followed by a bang, then all that was left of the plain were tracks of fire in the sky,” however the international community seems to regard them as insane for some reason.
“The probability that this was actually a test in time travel,” says Alex Turner, a Professor at the American University of Time Travel and Knitting, “is incredibly high. Ever since there was a confirmed sighting of Leonardo Dicaprio using a Time Turner to make it to all his movie rehearsals there has been a vast increase in time travel related testing.” According to scientist at AUTTK all the facts seem to add up. First the plane dropped off communications and blocked almost all data being sent back to air traffic controllers. “This is simply explained,” comments Dr. Turner, “When the flux capacitor starts to interact with the time vortex it manipulates objects causing minor spaghettification, the effect is more pronounce on electromagnetic waves altering their frequencies so that they are undetectable.” Dr. Turner accounted for the ‘pings’ sent to a satellite for several hours later as some electromagnetic wave being locked in a temporal loop at the time a phasing onto the plane of space and time.
A recent leak has lead to the discovery that Malaysian Airlines flight 370 was actually a part of government testing of time travel. According to sources plain reached 888 miles per hour above the Indian ocean and caused a ripple in the space time continuum. Eye witnesses in a small fishing boat say they "there was a huge flash of light followed by a bang, then all that was left of the plain were tracks of fire in the sky,” however the international community seems to regard them as insane for some reason.
“The probability that this was actually a test in time travel,” says Alex Turner, a Professor at the American University of Time Travel and Knitting, “is incredibly high. Ever since there was a confirmed sighting of Leonardo Dicaprio using a Time Turner to make it to all his movie rehearsals there has been a vast increase in time travel related testing.” According to scientist at AUTTK all the facts seem to add up. First the plane dropped off communications and blocked almost all data being sent back to air traffic controllers. “This is simply explained,” comments Dr. Turner, “When the flux capacitor starts to interact with the time vortex it manipulates objects causing minor spaghettification, the effect is more pronounce on electromagnetic waves altering their frequencies so that they are undetectable.” Dr. Turner accounted for the ‘pings’ sent to a satellite for several hours later as some electromagnetic wave being locked in a temporal loop at the time a phasing onto the plane of space and time.
The next question that prompted our team of Time Travel Investigation Correspondents is what happened to the plane? Dr. Turner seems to have some speculation, “Although I have a team of grad students working on modeling the planes path through the space time continuum, early signs show that the plane seems to have landed some time in the renaissance. We believe Leonardo Da Vinci found the wreckage which is what inspired his inventions.” According to other sources this is merely a theory, “The bible has accounts of plane like objects in Revelations, so this might be a sign from God,” says one priest from Omegle. Despite this criticism Dr. Turner thinks that, “this is a very, very exciting time for the AUTTK!”
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Santa Takes Over Crimea
3/26/14
A breaking discovery from CR News’ undercover investigation team reveals that santa Claus is responsible for the invasion of Crimea. Earlier this year CR News had reported on the us attempts to eliminate Saint Nick, and his subsequent flee to hiding, however it seems now that Mr. Clause is back. “It only makes sense,” says John Singer a political science at The University of Universities. “After the Norad invasion and subsequent destruction of the North Pole in december of 2013 Santa had been looking for a place to create a New North Pole.” When asked why he thought Mr, Clause would go for Crimea, he replied, “There are a couple of simple reasons to that, first crimea is a relatively isolated area and, because of its autonomy within Ukraine, it is fairly isolated politically. The second reason is that we already knew that Santa was in hiding in Russia which would make a perfect staging ground for an invasion. Lastly its central location will make world distribution of his goods easier.”
We also talked to Mr. Kille a Military Strategist who was able to give us this information, “The unmarked troops are clearly the remanence form the North Pole Army.” further stating that, “this is clear due to their 4 foot stature, how highly trained they are, and there general youl time spierit.”
In Recent News Russia has formally annexed Crimea, although is seems the US and EU haven't gotten this information yet as they still fail to recognise it, which leads the team here to believe that Vladimir Putin may be helping Mr. Clause after he found his name at the top of the naughty list leaked earlier this week. When we attempted to contact Mr. Clause and Mr. Putin there was no reply.
A breaking discovery from CR News’ undercover investigation team reveals that santa Claus is responsible for the invasion of Crimea. Earlier this year CR News had reported on the us attempts to eliminate Saint Nick, and his subsequent flee to hiding, however it seems now that Mr. Clause is back. “It only makes sense,” says John Singer a political science at The University of Universities. “After the Norad invasion and subsequent destruction of the North Pole in december of 2013 Santa had been looking for a place to create a New North Pole.” When asked why he thought Mr, Clause would go for Crimea, he replied, “There are a couple of simple reasons to that, first crimea is a relatively isolated area and, because of its autonomy within Ukraine, it is fairly isolated politically. The second reason is that we already knew that Santa was in hiding in Russia which would make a perfect staging ground for an invasion. Lastly its central location will make world distribution of his goods easier.”
We also talked to Mr. Kille a Military Strategist who was able to give us this information, “The unmarked troops are clearly the remanence form the North Pole Army.” further stating that, “this is clear due to their 4 foot stature, how highly trained they are, and there general youl time spierit.”
In Recent News Russia has formally annexed Crimea, although is seems the US and EU haven't gotten this information yet as they still fail to recognise it, which leads the team here to believe that Vladimir Putin may be helping Mr. Clause after he found his name at the top of the naughty list leaked earlier this week. When we attempted to contact Mr. Clause and Mr. Putin there was no reply.
Situation in Crimea downgraded
3/11/14
After two weeks of struggle in the region, the Political Event Rating International League has downgraded the situation in Ukraine from a "crisis" to "ongoing strife." Said the president of the society, "generally, a 'crisis' can last anywhere from a few hours to a whole week. Once it surpasses 7 or 8 days, it starts to lose its urgency." The league, known as "PERIL" for short, works to standardize the representation of certain political conflicts across the world in media and government records. The theory is that with a standardization of such terms, nations and populations can rely more upon media reports and respond accordingly. While this downgrade in status has angered some in the Ukraine, PERIL released a statement saying that "a prolonged crisis ceases to be a crisis," and if they wanted to regain status their situation would have to worsen drastically.
After two weeks of struggle in the region, the Political Event Rating International League has downgraded the situation in Ukraine from a "crisis" to "ongoing strife." Said the president of the society, "generally, a 'crisis' can last anywhere from a few hours to a whole week. Once it surpasses 7 or 8 days, it starts to lose its urgency." The league, known as "PERIL" for short, works to standardize the representation of certain political conflicts across the world in media and government records. The theory is that with a standardization of such terms, nations and populations can rely more upon media reports and respond accordingly. While this downgrade in status has angered some in the Ukraine, PERIL released a statement saying that "a prolonged crisis ceases to be a crisis," and if they wanted to regain status their situation would have to worsen drastically.
Russia sneaks cookie while nobody looking
3/4/14
While a crisis continues in the Ukraine, Putin has taken advantage of the low attention span of the Western World once again. As reporters flock to Crimea to report on the plight of the Ukrainian people, Putin has reached over to the cookie jar at the UN headquarters and taken at least one for himself, thinking that no one would notice. This is just one more over-extension of Putin's own power as world dictator, and he will likely suffer great consequences in terms of popular support. Fortunately for him, he need only cuddle an enormous grizzly bear shirtless to gain it back.
While a crisis continues in the Ukraine, Putin has taken advantage of the low attention span of the Western World once again. As reporters flock to Crimea to report on the plight of the Ukrainian people, Putin has reached over to the cookie jar at the UN headquarters and taken at least one for himself, thinking that no one would notice. This is just one more over-extension of Putin's own power as world dictator, and he will likely suffer great consequences in terms of popular support. Fortunately for him, he need only cuddle an enormous grizzly bear shirtless to gain it back.
Global Warming Prediction
2/25/14
12 years from now, global warming will get so bad that polar bears are likely to die... This is the tale of how Miles plans to save them. One day, Miles will figure out what is happening. He will realize that the polar bears are going extinct and decide that he will have to save them. Miles will fly as fast as a bullet to the north pole to save the white fluffy creatures. Once he gets there, he will be in shock about all the melted ice, it will be horrible! Miles will not know what to do. He will sit at the North Pole for a little while and think about how he can save them. Miles will use his super lungs to inhale almost all of the carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. It will be a huge success! Corporations worldwide will offer to pay him to reduce their personal co2 emissions in order to reduce their taxes. But Miles will deny all of them. He does not want to benefit any individual corporation. He plans to use his powers for the greater good. His powers however, will weaken him, and it won't be long before he will realize that his civically virtuous deeds will take years off of his life. By saving the polar bears and other northern creatures he will only be hurting himself. Miles knows that this will happen but he also knows that it is necessary to do if he wants to save the world. He will keep pushing himself until he can't do it any longer. Miles (now 300) can be found studying English in Mrs. Remillard's class in the form of a 12 year old hooligan. Miles will never really get any recognition for his good work even though he will be nominated for a nobel peace prize. Currently he is in contention for getting a wood block of honor at his local middle school.
~ Miles (with a little help from The Khaki Ninja..)
12 years from now, global warming will get so bad that polar bears are likely to die... This is the tale of how Miles plans to save them. One day, Miles will figure out what is happening. He will realize that the polar bears are going extinct and decide that he will have to save them. Miles will fly as fast as a bullet to the north pole to save the white fluffy creatures. Once he gets there, he will be in shock about all the melted ice, it will be horrible! Miles will not know what to do. He will sit at the North Pole for a little while and think about how he can save them. Miles will use his super lungs to inhale almost all of the carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. It will be a huge success! Corporations worldwide will offer to pay him to reduce their personal co2 emissions in order to reduce their taxes. But Miles will deny all of them. He does not want to benefit any individual corporation. He plans to use his powers for the greater good. His powers however, will weaken him, and it won't be long before he will realize that his civically virtuous deeds will take years off of his life. By saving the polar bears and other northern creatures he will only be hurting himself. Miles knows that this will happen but he also knows that it is necessary to do if he wants to save the world. He will keep pushing himself until he can't do it any longer. Miles (now 300) can be found studying English in Mrs. Remillard's class in the form of a 12 year old hooligan. Miles will never really get any recognition for his good work even though he will be nominated for a nobel peace prize. Currently he is in contention for getting a wood block of honor at his local middle school.
~ Miles (with a little help from The Khaki Ninja..)
Royal Budget Busted
2/9/14
It seems that America's most beloved family (we don’t get why they like them so much ether) Is in danger of over spending. As the lead royal affairs correspondent I did a little research as to what their immense spending of of 74.5 million going over by 3.8 million. The family went: 60% over budge on tea, 10% on efforts towards reclaiming colonies, 3% on giant fluffy hats, 5% on developing academic torture methods (IB), 50% on rejuvenating the Queen through ingesting daily imports of hearts, 10% on Daniel Craig's salary, 20% on corgi production and maintenance, 60% preemptive strategies for avoiding ww3, and 2% over on resurrecting Margaret Thatcher. I talked to one gardener who gave this opinion, ”I can't see why they keep spending money on useless stuff, I mean the royal wedding was so lame I was bored to sleep, they could have spent a lot more on tha...” At this point a chunk of stone fell off the collapsing palace and killed the worker, I think.
It seems that America's most beloved family (we don’t get why they like them so much ether) Is in danger of over spending. As the lead royal affairs correspondent I did a little research as to what their immense spending of of 74.5 million going over by 3.8 million. The family went: 60% over budge on tea, 10% on efforts towards reclaiming colonies, 3% on giant fluffy hats, 5% on developing academic torture methods (IB), 50% on rejuvenating the Queen through ingesting daily imports of hearts, 10% on Daniel Craig's salary, 20% on corgi production and maintenance, 60% preemptive strategies for avoiding ww3, and 2% over on resurrecting Margaret Thatcher. I talked to one gardener who gave this opinion, ”I can't see why they keep spending money on useless stuff, I mean the royal wedding was so lame I was bored to sleep, they could have spent a lot more on tha...” At this point a chunk of stone fell off the collapsing palace and killed the worker, I think.
“Some people just don’t know how expensive it is being rich,” says David DuMas. “I have been looking through all the charts on spending and I would say that they saved a lot.” when asked what types of savings the royals were able to accumulated he replied, “They almost tried to build a Death Star like the American Colonists are, but realized they could use the 160 trillion on better things like making more corgis.” The main ramification of the over spending could lead to the financial downfall for the UK and all of Europe but “That is a risk the Queen is willing to take for her corgis.” Aside from the upcoming expense of 160 trillion further spending will be put into the ‘peaceful draining the Atlantic ocean, creating a ‘nice’ Tesla Death Ray, and the development of a ‘good’ Cyberman army. According to Mr. DuMas “The next couple of months are going to be really cool.”
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Vatican Outraged
1/28/14
Today many members of the Vatican and of the Catholic faith are outraged. The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child have told the Vatican that they should ”immediately remove” all suspected molesters. So far the only official response to this request from the Vatican is that they will “consider” the mandate. Thanks to the super secret alpha-omega wolf squad delta investigation team of CR News we are able to bring you some new breaking news.
I interviewed one clergy about how the Vatican was considering the mandate, his response was that, “we are considering whether or not to listen to the UN. In my opinion most countries don’t listen to them so why should we?” After this insightful conversation I moved on to another priest, Father MoLester, who shared a personal story with us. “I was the priest of a small church on the Mid-West until one brat accused me of being a pervert, the holy father was able to save me though by having me take a break and then re-positioning me.” When asked how things were going at the new church he replied that “I am involved in the community and I especially love helping the boys youth choir.” Father MoLester’s opinion on the mandate was that “this mandate will put good people like me out of a job if just one brat blows a whistle.”
The UN said that it was “deeply concerned” by the amount of sexual abuse going on in the catholic church with “Clerics being part of tens of thousands of sexual abuse cases world wide.” Because of this the UN has asked for the church to release its files on all suspected child abusers, to which one man replied “if we do release the documents that we may or may not have, the church would have to do it slowly because there might be a lot of them. When asked if Father MoLester had a file he simply replied, “Ita vero, tua esque vaca stutta.”
Luckily everyone in the CR News team (or at least everyone I care about) is a devout member of the Pastafarian faith which means we can give a completely unbiased judgement on this situation. According to our expert stations and monkeys typing random things in the basement the best course of action for the Catholic Church at this time would to be to continue to deny everything and claim the pope is infallible. Why you might ask? Well our expert team has decided that anyone that takes this false religion seriously and disregards the teachings of our Spaghetti-y savior will believe that tommyrot anyways, everyone else has already left. Stay tuned for further updates.
Today many members of the Vatican and of the Catholic faith are outraged. The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child have told the Vatican that they should ”immediately remove” all suspected molesters. So far the only official response to this request from the Vatican is that they will “consider” the mandate. Thanks to the super secret alpha-omega wolf squad delta investigation team of CR News we are able to bring you some new breaking news.
I interviewed one clergy about how the Vatican was considering the mandate, his response was that, “we are considering whether or not to listen to the UN. In my opinion most countries don’t listen to them so why should we?” After this insightful conversation I moved on to another priest, Father MoLester, who shared a personal story with us. “I was the priest of a small church on the Mid-West until one brat accused me of being a pervert, the holy father was able to save me though by having me take a break and then re-positioning me.” When asked how things were going at the new church he replied that “I am involved in the community and I especially love helping the boys youth choir.” Father MoLester’s opinion on the mandate was that “this mandate will put good people like me out of a job if just one brat blows a whistle.”
The UN said that it was “deeply concerned” by the amount of sexual abuse going on in the catholic church with “Clerics being part of tens of thousands of sexual abuse cases world wide.” Because of this the UN has asked for the church to release its files on all suspected child abusers, to which one man replied “if we do release the documents that we may or may not have, the church would have to do it slowly because there might be a lot of them. When asked if Father MoLester had a file he simply replied, “Ita vero, tua esque vaca stutta.”
Luckily everyone in the CR News team (or at least everyone I care about) is a devout member of the Pastafarian faith which means we can give a completely unbiased judgement on this situation. According to our expert stations and monkeys typing random things in the basement the best course of action for the Catholic Church at this time would to be to continue to deny everything and claim the pope is infallible. Why you might ask? Well our expert team has decided that anyone that takes this false religion seriously and disregards the teachings of our Spaghetti-y savior will believe that tommyrot anyways, everyone else has already left. Stay tuned for further updates.
New Year's Resolutions Buried in Mass Graves
1/28/14
Today marked the passing of millions of 2014 resolutions, as they were all discarded into trash heaps after a month of unsuccessful attempts by misguided fools to fulfill them. They will all be missed.
Today marked the passing of millions of 2014 resolutions, as they were all discarded into trash heaps after a month of unsuccessful attempts by misguided fools to fulfill them. They will all be missed.
UPDATE: North Pole Destroyed, Claus in Hiding
12/31/13
Nearly one week ago now, we revealed to you the treacherous circumstances surrounding this year's Christmas celebration and the accompanying delivery of toys by one "Saint Nick." As the story unfolded, our best reporters were on the scene. Unfortunately, most of them were lost in the firestorm that consumed the North Pole, but they knew the risks of journalism when they got into it, so we aren't feeling all that guilty about sending them out there in the first place.
With the North Pole destroyed, and reports of a sleigh downed by anti-aircraft guns in Nova Scotia, Christmas seems to have been completely destroyed in just one night. In the end however, the peoples of the world awoke to find presents underneath their Christmas trees, to the bewilderment of top US officials who had hoped to see Santa, their informant with his cover blown, killed and out of action. On December the 26th, known as Boxing Day by a few crazed non-Americans, the North Pole Administration released a statement about Claus and the attack that had ended mere hours before the end of Christmas day. According to the statement, "[Claus] is in perfect health in a retreat in an undisclosed location. He wishes to assure all of the good little boys and girls that there will indeed be a Christmas next year, and he wishes to assure the United States Government that this war has only just begun."
Naturally, the US government is extremely concerned, not only with Claus's survival but also the methods through which he survived, as there was a confirmed on that fateful night over Nova Scotia. At this point in time, government agencies are assuming that the target that was annihilated was simply a decoy. and the White House is releasing daily statements reassuring the public that it is working double-time to capture the terrorist Claus and bring him to justice.
Meanwhile, Claus and the surviving elves have declared a new home base of operations and toy-making has been decided and is currently being constructed with the utmost secrecy. The North Pole government has renamed itself to the "Undisclosed Location" government, and is continually passing legislation banning American-made products from the entire celebration of Christmas across the globe, and amassing an army of reindeer and missile-sleighs commissioned by Sinterklaas himself. With Claus in hiding, many of his top elves are on missions of diplomacy across the globe to unite nations against the US and its actions, trying to get the UN to pass sanctions at the very least because even Claus knows that that's all they're actually good for. And bickering.
Not the forgiving type, Kris Kringle has also sent a personal letter to NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden, warning him that there will come a time when vengeance is served upon the leaker who brought this all down on Claus and his elf friends. What happens next is anyone's guess, but it's clear as of now that this is a very tense time for the US and all involved in this conflict.
Nearly one week ago now, we revealed to you the treacherous circumstances surrounding this year's Christmas celebration and the accompanying delivery of toys by one "Saint Nick." As the story unfolded, our best reporters were on the scene. Unfortunately, most of them were lost in the firestorm that consumed the North Pole, but they knew the risks of journalism when they got into it, so we aren't feeling all that guilty about sending them out there in the first place.
With the North Pole destroyed, and reports of a sleigh downed by anti-aircraft guns in Nova Scotia, Christmas seems to have been completely destroyed in just one night. In the end however, the peoples of the world awoke to find presents underneath their Christmas trees, to the bewilderment of top US officials who had hoped to see Santa, their informant with his cover blown, killed and out of action. On December the 26th, known as Boxing Day by a few crazed non-Americans, the North Pole Administration released a statement about Claus and the attack that had ended mere hours before the end of Christmas day. According to the statement, "[Claus] is in perfect health in a retreat in an undisclosed location. He wishes to assure all of the good little boys and girls that there will indeed be a Christmas next year, and he wishes to assure the United States Government that this war has only just begun."
Naturally, the US government is extremely concerned, not only with Claus's survival but also the methods through which he survived, as there was a confirmed on that fateful night over Nova Scotia. At this point in time, government agencies are assuming that the target that was annihilated was simply a decoy. and the White House is releasing daily statements reassuring the public that it is working double-time to capture the terrorist Claus and bring him to justice.
Meanwhile, Claus and the surviving elves have declared a new home base of operations and toy-making has been decided and is currently being constructed with the utmost secrecy. The North Pole government has renamed itself to the "Undisclosed Location" government, and is continually passing legislation banning American-made products from the entire celebration of Christmas across the globe, and amassing an army of reindeer and missile-sleighs commissioned by Sinterklaas himself. With Claus in hiding, many of his top elves are on missions of diplomacy across the globe to unite nations against the US and its actions, trying to get the UN to pass sanctions at the very least because even Claus knows that that's all they're actually good for. And bickering.
Not the forgiving type, Kris Kringle has also sent a personal letter to NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden, warning him that there will come a time when vengeance is served upon the leaker who brought this all down on Claus and his elf friends. What happens next is anyone's guess, but it's clear as of now that this is a very tense time for the US and all involved in this conflict.
NORAD Invades North Pole.
12/25/12
The War on Christmas has begun. Military sources confirm that at 11:59 EST on Christmas eve, the North American Aerospace Defense launched its long awaited offensive on the forces of Christmas and the international terrorist Sinterklaas.
According to our undercover sources and multiple eyewitnesses, NORAD missiles, finally acting on the mountains of military intelligence gathered on Santa and the elves, shot down Santa's sleigh over Nova Scotia in an assassination attempt. No body was recovered from the wreckage of the sleigh, but it is assumed that Santa will not be able to lead his troops from his current location.
In Santa's absence, NORAD troops launched a full scale offensive on the North pole. Facing strong resistance from the genetically engineered elf soldiers defending the city, ground troops moved in while air support bombed the city from the sky.
Sources report massive chaos and destruction, with neither side appearing to have an advantage, The fighting continued through the night and is currently still going on. Military officials expect that this conflict may be far more destructive and drawn out than they had previously thought.
According to NORAD's reports, NORAD casualties may be over 50 in less than 8 hours, with many more soldiers injured or missing in action and unknown civilian and enemy casualties.
The War on Christmas has begun. Military sources confirm that at 11:59 EST on Christmas eve, the North American Aerospace Defense launched its long awaited offensive on the forces of Christmas and the international terrorist Sinterklaas.
According to our undercover sources and multiple eyewitnesses, NORAD missiles, finally acting on the mountains of military intelligence gathered on Santa and the elves, shot down Santa's sleigh over Nova Scotia in an assassination attempt. No body was recovered from the wreckage of the sleigh, but it is assumed that Santa will not be able to lead his troops from his current location.
In Santa's absence, NORAD troops launched a full scale offensive on the North pole. Facing strong resistance from the genetically engineered elf soldiers defending the city, ground troops moved in while air support bombed the city from the sky.
Sources report massive chaos and destruction, with neither side appearing to have an advantage, The fighting continued through the night and is currently still going on. Military officials expect that this conflict may be far more destructive and drawn out than they had previously thought.
According to NORAD's reports, NORAD casualties may be over 50 in less than 8 hours, with many more soldiers injured or missing in action and unknown civilian and enemy casualties.
NORAD Ready to Attack Santa
For years the North American Aerospace Defense has been tracking every move of the International terrorist, burglar and spy known as Santa Claus. He is also known across the world as Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Sinterklaas, and Kris Kringle. Using cutting edge military technology, NORAD has followed him on his yearly treks around the world, during which he breaks into the houses of billions of children and steals their cookies. NORAD has been surveilling him as well as his army of enslaved laborers, in preparation for an all out assault on his headquarters at the North Pole, and according to our top military sources, they have finally gathered enough information to act.
"For too long we've waited for the moment to strike!" proclaims Sergeant Major Anthony Skruge in an announcement to the NORAD troops "to strike against this jelly-bellied menace! Well we will wait no longer! No more, will a fat bearded mystery man watch your children while they are sleeping. No more will this worlds long standing tradition of commercialism be terrorized by the the good will and jollity this man promotes!"
All the information gathered from satellite images, bugs, and midget spies says that the ideal time for a preemptive strike against Santa and the forces of the North Pole is this Christmas season. Details are not entirely clear, but our reliable sources tell us that either an invasion or a targeted assassination is likely to occur within the next week.
We at CR News realize that divulging this type of information could be damaging to NORAD's plans, but we have received permission from NORAD to run this story, because they, just like everyone else, know that there is no wi-fi at the North Pole. There is no possible way that Santa could read this article.
"For too long we've waited for the moment to strike!" proclaims Sergeant Major Anthony Skruge in an announcement to the NORAD troops "to strike against this jelly-bellied menace! Well we will wait no longer! No more, will a fat bearded mystery man watch your children while they are sleeping. No more will this worlds long standing tradition of commercialism be terrorized by the the good will and jollity this man promotes!"
All the information gathered from satellite images, bugs, and midget spies says that the ideal time for a preemptive strike against Santa and the forces of the North Pole is this Christmas season. Details are not entirely clear, but our reliable sources tell us that either an invasion or a targeted assassination is likely to occur within the next week.
We at CR News realize that divulging this type of information could be damaging to NORAD's plans, but we have received permission from NORAD to run this story, because they, just like everyone else, know that there is no wi-fi at the North Pole. There is no possible way that Santa could read this article.
Racial Barriers Broken By Toronto Mayor
This has been an historic week for Canadian civil rights. Earlier in the year, there had been much speculation that Toronto mayor Rob Ford had smoked crack cocaine in the past, but these allegations were forcefully denied by the mayor, but earlier this week, history was made when Rob Ford demolished the racial barriers of society by at last admitting to this deed and becoming the first openly crack-smoking mayor in Canada.
"It is a great day for crackheads" says Kane Bailey, chairman of the NAACH (National Association for the Advancement of Crackheads), "the forces of discrimination took yet another beating at the hands of Freedom and Tolerance." Bailey adds that crackheads have been excluded from political office for far too long, and its about time that somebody took a stand against the intolerance. With tears in his bloodshot eyes, he notes that "somewhere in this vast country, a little boy sitting in his basement high on cocaine has been given hope for the future. I just wish I could be one to tell him, 'Yes! You can become Mayor of one of the largest cities in Canada!'" He proceeded to sob tears of joy for 10 minutes, possibly more, I left so who knows.
This was not the only glass ceiling that Rob Ford shattered this week. As the week progressed, he also came out as the first raging alcoholic in the mayoral office. This groundbreaking announcement came when, in response to the crack allegations, Ford said that he had smoked crack "probably in one of [his] drunken stupors". Giving hope to thousands of hopeless alcoholics across Canada.
In addition, with the surfacing of a video featuring Rob Ford in a crazed rage, screaming death threats and expletives at someone over the phone, without so much as a "soorry," he has also become the first openly dickish person in Canada, a nation that is sickeningly lacking in diversity when it comes to politeness.
"It is a great day for crackheads" says Kane Bailey, chairman of the NAACH (National Association for the Advancement of Crackheads), "the forces of discrimination took yet another beating at the hands of Freedom and Tolerance." Bailey adds that crackheads have been excluded from political office for far too long, and its about time that somebody took a stand against the intolerance. With tears in his bloodshot eyes, he notes that "somewhere in this vast country, a little boy sitting in his basement high on cocaine has been given hope for the future. I just wish I could be one to tell him, 'Yes! You can become Mayor of one of the largest cities in Canada!'" He proceeded to sob tears of joy for 10 minutes, possibly more, I left so who knows.
This was not the only glass ceiling that Rob Ford shattered this week. As the week progressed, he also came out as the first raging alcoholic in the mayoral office. This groundbreaking announcement came when, in response to the crack allegations, Ford said that he had smoked crack "probably in one of [his] drunken stupors". Giving hope to thousands of hopeless alcoholics across Canada.
In addition, with the surfacing of a video featuring Rob Ford in a crazed rage, screaming death threats and expletives at someone over the phone, without so much as a "soorry," he has also become the first openly dickish person in Canada, a nation that is sickeningly lacking in diversity when it comes to politeness.
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