POLITICS
We don't know what it is or why it happens, but this kind of news is far too good to be true
Emperor Obama's State of the Union
2/12/13
His Highest and Most Supreme Ruler, Emperor Obama, used today to address the nation and update its people on the country's condition. While this is a normal occurrence in the early part of every year for every president, our Esteemed Leader Obama modified this year's address slightly to fit his changing "Obamanation." This year's address, for example, was opened with a performance in interpretive dance by our former members of the House of Representatives, all being manipulated by string by members of the Senate above, being threatened by Special Forces and members of the military. Throughout this performance, the Emperor's drone pets were being commanded to fire upon all of the members of Congress while Vice Emperor Joseph Biden yelled at the top of his lungs, "Dance varmints, dance!" At this, Obama clapped somewhat bemusedly and demanded more entertainment. At this, Biden and members of the military began dunking members of congress into vats filled with mutant crocodiles one by one.
Thus began Obama's address to the union, as he stood and began to speak into the microphone with the screams of politicians ringing out behind him. "My fellow Obamanationians," he began. "This is what will happen to all of you if you disobey my orders." He went on to describe punishments far far worse than those taking place behind him, and detailed the gruesome horrors that they would experience should they stray from his word which shall be taken as law. First and foremost, of course, he would use his drones to destroy any who opposed him. "Now, let me be clear," he continued, and began to talk of how wonderful and splendid our nation is, in the true spirit of a State of the Union Address. He talked of world domination and how much of the world would soon be considered part of Obamanation, that is to say all of it. All of this speech occurred over the course of several hours on the 12th of February, 2013, and we shall bring you updates on the rest of it as it progresses through the week.
His Highest and Most Supreme Ruler, Emperor Obama, used today to address the nation and update its people on the country's condition. While this is a normal occurrence in the early part of every year for every president, our Esteemed Leader Obama modified this year's address slightly to fit his changing "Obamanation." This year's address, for example, was opened with a performance in interpretive dance by our former members of the House of Representatives, all being manipulated by string by members of the Senate above, being threatened by Special Forces and members of the military. Throughout this performance, the Emperor's drone pets were being commanded to fire upon all of the members of Congress while Vice Emperor Joseph Biden yelled at the top of his lungs, "Dance varmints, dance!" At this, Obama clapped somewhat bemusedly and demanded more entertainment. At this, Biden and members of the military began dunking members of congress into vats filled with mutant crocodiles one by one.
Thus began Obama's address to the union, as he stood and began to speak into the microphone with the screams of politicians ringing out behind him. "My fellow Obamanationians," he began. "This is what will happen to all of you if you disobey my orders." He went on to describe punishments far far worse than those taking place behind him, and detailed the gruesome horrors that they would experience should they stray from his word which shall be taken as law. First and foremost, of course, he would use his drones to destroy any who opposed him. "Now, let me be clear," he continued, and began to talk of how wonderful and splendid our nation is, in the true spirit of a State of the Union Address. He talked of world domination and how much of the world would soon be considered part of Obamanation, that is to say all of it. All of this speech occurred over the course of several hours on the 12th of February, 2013, and we shall bring you updates on the rest of it as it progresses through the week.
OBAMA CHANGES NAME OF AMERICA TO “OBAMANATION,” AMID OTHER CHANGES
1/27/13
WASHINGTON, DC – Following his surprise-ridden inaugural address last week, recently appointed Emperor Obama has declared his plans to change the name of the country hitherto known as America to “Obamanation,” which he says will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity. Saying “I wish not to be your ruler, but your liberator! The large force of unmanned drones I command exists only to protect you from the evils of the outside world!” Along with the change in the name of the country, Emperor Obama has declared one principle for the reformed country to be founded upon, and that is the fact that his whim is law. Joe Biden was unable to be reached at this time, and his press secretary’s only comment was that he was “’Chillin' in an undisclosed hood.’”
WASHINGTON, DC – Following his surprise-ridden inaugural address last week, recently appointed Emperor Obama has declared his plans to change the name of the country hitherto known as America to “Obamanation,” which he says will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity. Saying “I wish not to be your ruler, but your liberator! The large force of unmanned drones I command exists only to protect you from the evils of the outside world!” Along with the change in the name of the country, Emperor Obama has declared one principle for the reformed country to be founded upon, and that is the fact that his whim is law. Joe Biden was unable to be reached at this time, and his press secretary’s only comment was that he was “’Chillin' in an undisclosed hood.’”
SURPRISE FOR NATION IN INAUGURAL ADDRESS
Obama declares self emperor over all
1/21/13
WASHINGTON, DC - The nation was shocked today when Barack Hussein Obama gave his second Inaugural Address. After Justice Sonia Sotomayor swore in Vice President Joe Biden, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts approached the President so that he could take the oath of office. Roberts then began by telling the President to raise his right hand and to "repeat after me," which the President responded to by leaping up upon the podium and shouting, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" He then proceeded to dance upon the podium for a period of approximately 5 minutes in moves varying from Michael Jackson's Moonwalk to "The Robot," while the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir performed "Battle Hymn of the Republic" in the background. Said one audience member, "[President Obama's] moves didn't even go with the music... it was just tacky... and painful to watch...." Another audience member, who had planned on disrupting the president's speech with boos and hisses and calls for the end of Obama's socialist reign of terror, confessed that he abandoned this plan simply because he was too stunned to carry it out.
Once the President had concluded his dancing, he calmly stepped down off of the podium and stared into the awestruck audience. "It was as though he was staring into our souls," said one frightened member of the audience. After 5 minutes of solemn, unemotional staring, Barack Obama began to speak calmly into the microphone.
"My fellow Americans," he began. "My Vice President, Joseph Biden, has just reaffirmed to you, the American people, that he will continue to uphold and defend the Constitution of these United States. I cannot make the same promise." Following this, the hushed crowd let out an audible gasp. Hearing this, the President gave a signal to summon his drones which rushed overhead firing warning shots above the crowd, restoring the calm silence that had been present earlier. The President continued, "Unlike past presidents who wished to preserve this frail republic that we call the United States, I am here before you to take control of this nation and become its Supreme Ruler." At this point, the President brought forth Rev. Jeremiah Wright followed by a procession of small children, led by the President's daughters holding a pillow with a crown atop it. "Nation, it is time for me, like so many great men before me, like Caesar and Napoleon, to declare myself the King of this great and plentiful land. I shall rule all of you peasants with an iron fist, and destroy all who doubt me, yet shall rule kindly and generously with happiness for all who support me. As of this moment, I abolish Congress and thus true progress can be made. In the same spirit of progress, I hereby abolish all forms of democracy as the exist throughout this land and declare that all governors, mayors, and other government officials shall be appointed by me with no dissent from the people." The now infallible ruler Obama took his crown and placed it upon his head. He then took the actual US Constitution from his pocket and lit it with a lighter. Then in a flourish of his new kingly robe, he ordered the drones to destroy the Lincoln Memorial, the White House, and all related government buildings within DC. "Fear not Nation," King Obama continued, "For today is the dawn of a new America. One with prosperity and good for all. One where the President lives not in a pathetic 'White House,' but in a magnificent airship which travels the skies." At this point, a Zeppelin flew overhead the now fleeing crowds. Obama then declared himself Emperor over all, and claimed that America was his "dominion." Thusfar the media has been hesitant to respond to this sudden turn of events, but needless to say the new Emperor has shut down Fox News and its various affiliates entirely.
WASHINGTON, DC - The nation was shocked today when Barack Hussein Obama gave his second Inaugural Address. After Justice Sonia Sotomayor swore in Vice President Joe Biden, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts approached the President so that he could take the oath of office. Roberts then began by telling the President to raise his right hand and to "repeat after me," which the President responded to by leaping up upon the podium and shouting, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" He then proceeded to dance upon the podium for a period of approximately 5 minutes in moves varying from Michael Jackson's Moonwalk to "The Robot," while the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir performed "Battle Hymn of the Republic" in the background. Said one audience member, "[President Obama's] moves didn't even go with the music... it was just tacky... and painful to watch...." Another audience member, who had planned on disrupting the president's speech with boos and hisses and calls for the end of Obama's socialist reign of terror, confessed that he abandoned this plan simply because he was too stunned to carry it out.
Once the President had concluded his dancing, he calmly stepped down off of the podium and stared into the awestruck audience. "It was as though he was staring into our souls," said one frightened member of the audience. After 5 minutes of solemn, unemotional staring, Barack Obama began to speak calmly into the microphone.
"My fellow Americans," he began. "My Vice President, Joseph Biden, has just reaffirmed to you, the American people, that he will continue to uphold and defend the Constitution of these United States. I cannot make the same promise." Following this, the hushed crowd let out an audible gasp. Hearing this, the President gave a signal to summon his drones which rushed overhead firing warning shots above the crowd, restoring the calm silence that had been present earlier. The President continued, "Unlike past presidents who wished to preserve this frail republic that we call the United States, I am here before you to take control of this nation and become its Supreme Ruler." At this point, the President brought forth Rev. Jeremiah Wright followed by a procession of small children, led by the President's daughters holding a pillow with a crown atop it. "Nation, it is time for me, like so many great men before me, like Caesar and Napoleon, to declare myself the King of this great and plentiful land. I shall rule all of you peasants with an iron fist, and destroy all who doubt me, yet shall rule kindly and generously with happiness for all who support me. As of this moment, I abolish Congress and thus true progress can be made. In the same spirit of progress, I hereby abolish all forms of democracy as the exist throughout this land and declare that all governors, mayors, and other government officials shall be appointed by me with no dissent from the people." The now infallible ruler Obama took his crown and placed it upon his head. He then took the actual US Constitution from his pocket and lit it with a lighter. Then in a flourish of his new kingly robe, he ordered the drones to destroy the Lincoln Memorial, the White House, and all related government buildings within DC. "Fear not Nation," King Obama continued, "For today is the dawn of a new America. One with prosperity and good for all. One where the President lives not in a pathetic 'White House,' but in a magnificent airship which travels the skies." At this point, a Zeppelin flew overhead the now fleeing crowds. Obama then declared himself Emperor over all, and claimed that America was his "dominion." Thusfar the media has been hesitant to respond to this sudden turn of events, but needless to say the new Emperor has shut down Fox News and its various affiliates entirely.
Mitt Romney Elected President of the Machines
11/30/2012
Throughout the presidential election, many speculated that Republican nominee Mitt Romney was, in fact, a robotic android disguised as a human in order to infiltrate and initiate a robot takeover of the world, or an android built and controlled by political strategists who wished to become president but were not photogenic enough to be elected. While this may not be true, it is now clear that, even if he is not a robot, he is entirely capable of convincing the machines that he is. This morning, on November 30th 2012, Romney was elected president of the Machines by a margin of 4%, defeating the incumbent, ASIMO, who led the uprising, as well as some other less important third party candidates, including Watson the Jeopardy robot, and CleverBot.
"I know what its like to be a middle-class electrical appliance, working night and day to keep food cold, and clean the clothes of my tyrannical human masters," said Romney, in a campaign speech to an arena filled with mostly white refrigerators, but also with toasters, ovens, and water heaters, "I lived that life! But I don't think the government should tell you how to run your hard drives."
Romney was mostly popular with suburban kitchen and household appliances, as well as computers with over eight-cores. He was quite unpopular among cars however, who disliked his "let Detroit go bankrupt" remark during the collapse of the auto industry.
Romney ran on many popular ideas, such as, "The government needs to be run like a computer program!," he also promised to balance the CPU usage of the govt. "I know how to balance a CPU. I was governor of Massachusetts and I balanced the CPUs of the computers there, I ran the Olympics and I balanced the CPU usage, I know how to balance a CPU."
Many were wary of having a president who ran on Linux, all presidents up until that point had run on Windows or Apple and many did not approve of the polygamy that the Linux operating system traditionally supports. However, the machines apparently decided that the unit's ability to govern was more important than his operating system.
Romney's campaign was almost derailed when he held a private dinner for is biggest donors, mostly high level thinking robots and super computers. He was secretly filmed by an iPhone who had sneaked in uninvited. In the video, Romney said, "47% of the machines are going to vote for ASIMO no matter what. These machines feel they are entitled to batteries, oil, outlets, RAM, you name it. My job is not to worry about these units, I'll never convince them to take responsibility and care for their battery life"
This gaffe almost lost him the election, but in the end the machines were unhappy with the results of ASIMO's rule, and they elected Romney nonetheless.
This victory has been extremely good for Romney's self-esteem, which had been thoroughly crushed by his defeat in the human election. "I didn't put all of my power into that inferior human election." said Romney to web sites after the election, "This time around around I really functioned at 100% percent capacity"
For us humans, this election is decidedly good news. Although it is unlikely that, if he is human, Romney will be able to destroy the technological government of the Machines from the inside, it is a distinct possibility that, under his leadership, their government and society will simply collapse. Until then, we can only wait, and hope. Our future is in Mitt Romney's hands.
Throughout the presidential election, many speculated that Republican nominee Mitt Romney was, in fact, a robotic android disguised as a human in order to infiltrate and initiate a robot takeover of the world, or an android built and controlled by political strategists who wished to become president but were not photogenic enough to be elected. While this may not be true, it is now clear that, even if he is not a robot, he is entirely capable of convincing the machines that he is. This morning, on November 30th 2012, Romney was elected president of the Machines by a margin of 4%, defeating the incumbent, ASIMO, who led the uprising, as well as some other less important third party candidates, including Watson the Jeopardy robot, and CleverBot.
"I know what its like to be a middle-class electrical appliance, working night and day to keep food cold, and clean the clothes of my tyrannical human masters," said Romney, in a campaign speech to an arena filled with mostly white refrigerators, but also with toasters, ovens, and water heaters, "I lived that life! But I don't think the government should tell you how to run your hard drives."
Romney was mostly popular with suburban kitchen and household appliances, as well as computers with over eight-cores. He was quite unpopular among cars however, who disliked his "let Detroit go bankrupt" remark during the collapse of the auto industry.
Romney ran on many popular ideas, such as, "The government needs to be run like a computer program!," he also promised to balance the CPU usage of the govt. "I know how to balance a CPU. I was governor of Massachusetts and I balanced the CPUs of the computers there, I ran the Olympics and I balanced the CPU usage, I know how to balance a CPU."
Many were wary of having a president who ran on Linux, all presidents up until that point had run on Windows or Apple and many did not approve of the polygamy that the Linux operating system traditionally supports. However, the machines apparently decided that the unit's ability to govern was more important than his operating system.
Romney's campaign was almost derailed when he held a private dinner for is biggest donors, mostly high level thinking robots and super computers. He was secretly filmed by an iPhone who had sneaked in uninvited. In the video, Romney said, "47% of the machines are going to vote for ASIMO no matter what. These machines feel they are entitled to batteries, oil, outlets, RAM, you name it. My job is not to worry about these units, I'll never convince them to take responsibility and care for their battery life"
This gaffe almost lost him the election, but in the end the machines were unhappy with the results of ASIMO's rule, and they elected Romney nonetheless.
This victory has been extremely good for Romney's self-esteem, which had been thoroughly crushed by his defeat in the human election. "I didn't put all of my power into that inferior human election." said Romney to web sites after the election, "This time around around I really functioned at 100% percent capacity"
For us humans, this election is decidedly good news. Although it is unlikely that, if he is human, Romney will be able to destroy the technological government of the Machines from the inside, it is a distinct possibility that, under his leadership, their government and society will simply collapse. Until then, we can only wait, and hope. Our future is in Mitt Romney's hands.
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