OLD POLITICS
They don't really matter, but I've been told I should keep them for posterity or something.
REAL TIME VOTE COUNT
Popular Vote- WHO CARES about the actual numbers?! IT's DONE!
Electoral College- Again, WHO CARES?! It's over for now.
Electoral College- Again, WHO CARES?! It's over for now.
SHUT UP!
11/10/12- Nation tired of post-election analysis and further stupidity from media and internet. Please just stop. I'm begging you. It's done. The election is over. Please let's just stop talking about it and complaining. PLEASE! I will not bother you anymore if you just stop. Think of the children!
ELECTION DAY Not TODAY: November 6th
UPDATE: Somebody won! HOORAY! IT's OVER! Now we can get back to bickering about legislation rather than what a president might do.
ROMNEY HOLDS SMALL-SCALE ELECTION IN OWN HOME TO BOOST SELF-ESTEEM
11/7/12
Mitt Romney, after losing both the popular and the electoral votes in the recent November 6th election, reportedly has constructed a small-scale model of the United States in his own home and given himself a strong lead in both the general election and the electoral college. With 93% of mock precincts reporting, Romney has a significant lead of almost 97%. Saying "All that really matters is that I can prove to myself that I can really pull through this and have the determination and perseverance to finish the race and push through to victory, even if it is only to coddle my damaged pride," he assured reporters that he realized his loss in the actual election, and said he wished only to boost his spirits. As he addressed his lack of connection with reality, Romney reportedly clinched all of the key battleground states and eliminated the gays with his laser vision in his make-believe election while a solitary tear fell from his eye.
Mitt Romney, after losing both the popular and the electoral votes in the recent November 6th election, reportedly has constructed a small-scale model of the United States in his own home and given himself a strong lead in both the general election and the electoral college. With 93% of mock precincts reporting, Romney has a significant lead of almost 97%. Saying "All that really matters is that I can prove to myself that I can really pull through this and have the determination and perseverance to finish the race and push through to victory, even if it is only to coddle my damaged pride," he assured reporters that he realized his loss in the actual election, and said he wished only to boost his spirits. As he addressed his lack of connection with reality, Romney reportedly clinched all of the key battleground states and eliminated the gays with his laser vision in his make-believe election while a solitary tear fell from his eye.
Conservatives realizing they do not really want to move to canada
11/7/12
After seeing the results of the recent presidential election, many disgruntled Conservatives took to the vast expanse we know as the internet to express their desire to move to Canada, having seen President Barack Obama re-elected. As of now we are receiving reports of Conservatives actually examining the policies and moral stances taken up by the Canadian government and realizing that they contradict almost every fiber of moral and political belief that they harbor. This is causing some to reassess their supposed decision to move to the country that has federally legalized gay marriage and uses the system of socialized health care which many right-wing extremists deem a form of communism, and rethink their choice to leave the United States, after finding that it is the country most in line with their beliefs. As Canada is filled with people who are generally regarded as kind and civil, some Conservatives have realized that it is more beneficial to them to stay within the confines of the United States until they can create their own country that expels anyone of different ethnicities or political views.
After seeing the results of the recent presidential election, many disgruntled Conservatives took to the vast expanse we know as the internet to express their desire to move to Canada, having seen President Barack Obama re-elected. As of now we are receiving reports of Conservatives actually examining the policies and moral stances taken up by the Canadian government and realizing that they contradict almost every fiber of moral and political belief that they harbor. This is causing some to reassess their supposed decision to move to the country that has federally legalized gay marriage and uses the system of socialized health care which many right-wing extremists deem a form of communism, and rethink their choice to leave the United States, after finding that it is the country most in line with their beliefs. As Canada is filled with people who are generally regarded as kind and civil, some Conservatives have realized that it is more beneficial to them to stay within the confines of the United States until they can create their own country that expels anyone of different ethnicities or political views.
CANADIANS PREPARE FOR INFLUX OF AMERICAN IMMIGRANTS
This and similar plans foreshadow a mass exodus to Canada.
11/6/12
The Canadian Government has tightened its border security in anticipation of a mass immigration movement with its origins in the US. Officials in the Canadian Government have said that many signs have pointed to nearly half of the American population moving North into Canada within the week following the American Election. This bitter battle for the White House has left many wishing for its end, but even more expressing the desire to relocate to Canada should the candidate that they are not voting for become President. Through Facebook and other social media outlets, these groups have organized a mass exodus across the Canadian border to be completed by the end of the month. Ed Michaud, Canadian border patrolman has said "[the Canadian Government] has deployed all 70 of its troops to the border, don't ya know eh. We're anticipating a huge rush by Americans to get into Canada after their election, eh. I bet they regret not letting us build that bridge, don't ya know, eh."
Since the world already knows that this mass exodus will occur, the only remaining question is how many will finally make the move. Early numbers are suggesting that there are 47% of the American people that support President Obama that will travel to Canada should Romney be elected. In contrast, 45% of Americans seem to want to leave should Obama be reelected. I'm not good with numbers, so I'm guessing that the remaining 8% will undergo spontaneous combustion either way.
The Canadian Government has tightened its border security in anticipation of a mass immigration movement with its origins in the US. Officials in the Canadian Government have said that many signs have pointed to nearly half of the American population moving North into Canada within the week following the American Election. This bitter battle for the White House has left many wishing for its end, but even more expressing the desire to relocate to Canada should the candidate that they are not voting for become President. Through Facebook and other social media outlets, these groups have organized a mass exodus across the Canadian border to be completed by the end of the month. Ed Michaud, Canadian border patrolman has said "[the Canadian Government] has deployed all 70 of its troops to the border, don't ya know eh. We're anticipating a huge rush by Americans to get into Canada after their election, eh. I bet they regret not letting us build that bridge, don't ya know, eh."
Since the world already knows that this mass exodus will occur, the only remaining question is how many will finally make the move. Early numbers are suggesting that there are 47% of the American people that support President Obama that will travel to Canada should Romney be elected. In contrast, 45% of Americans seem to want to leave should Obama be reelected. I'm not good with numbers, so I'm guessing that the remaining 8% will undergo spontaneous combustion either way.
In surprise move, Trump makes second announcement
11/6/12
New York, Manhattan – Donald Trump, the renowned billionaire and television host, has made a surprise offer this evening, calling upon Governor Mitt Romney to assure the public that he is not a robot. Saying “I will donate five million dollars to his charity of choice: Vacation Homes for Privileged Families, Yachts for the Rich, Restore Our Freedom, anything. If Mr. Romney would prove once and for all that he is not, by any standard, any form of android or cyborg machinery sent from the future to control our great and wholly human nation, five million dollars will go to any cause that he supports. I believe that he cannot refuse this offer, and I believe that he will not.” At press time, Romney was still in stasis and could not be reached for a response.
New York, Manhattan – Donald Trump, the renowned billionaire and television host, has made a surprise offer this evening, calling upon Governor Mitt Romney to assure the public that he is not a robot. Saying “I will donate five million dollars to his charity of choice: Vacation Homes for Privileged Families, Yachts for the Rich, Restore Our Freedom, anything. If Mr. Romney would prove once and for all that he is not, by any standard, any form of android or cyborg machinery sent from the future to control our great and wholly human nation, five million dollars will go to any cause that he supports. I believe that he cannot refuse this offer, and I believe that he will not.” At press time, Romney was still in stasis and could not be reached for a response.
FEC: Voting results to be released in HBO miniseries
11/6/12
Washington, D.C. – The FEC has announced that the results of the 2012 presidential election will be revealed in a six part HBO miniseries narrated by Morgan Freeman. This is a recently announced partnership between HBO and the United States Government to increase HBO’s dwindling viewership in almost all demographics. The program is expected to attract an estimated 67.4 million viewers in an all-time high rating spike for HBO, ending with a 10 million viewer spike in the season finale, with more than a fifth of the United States tuning in to see the results of the closest election in recent years. The series is purported to star John Goodman, Christian Bale, Gwyneth Paltrow, and a cameo appearance Samuel L. Jackson. Although undecided viewers are unsure as to what characters these actors and actresses will play, HBO has reassured its viewers through Twitter saying it will be “mind-blowing" and "spectacular.”
Washington, D.C. – The FEC has announced that the results of the 2012 presidential election will be revealed in a six part HBO miniseries narrated by Morgan Freeman. This is a recently announced partnership between HBO and the United States Government to increase HBO’s dwindling viewership in almost all demographics. The program is expected to attract an estimated 67.4 million viewers in an all-time high rating spike for HBO, ending with a 10 million viewer spike in the season finale, with more than a fifth of the United States tuning in to see the results of the closest election in recent years. The series is purported to star John Goodman, Christian Bale, Gwyneth Paltrow, and a cameo appearance Samuel L. Jackson. Although undecided viewers are unsure as to what characters these actors and actresses will play, HBO has reassured its viewers through Twitter saying it will be “mind-blowing" and "spectacular.”
Candidates Resort to Simpler Tactics
Candidates have also had enough of campaigning.
11/5/12
As the campaigns for president quickly wind down, even the candidates grow tired of pandering and speaking to crowds. Earlier today, the nation saw many of these candidates reach their breaking point. Sick and tired of getting nowhere with the American people, Presidential hopefuls Herman Cain and Ron Paul ended up meeting each other with their fists in an all out battle to the death this morning, while the American public and main-stream media watched with rapt attention. "It was like a return to the gladiatorial days of Rome," said onlooker Joe Smith, selling pebbles and stones to throw at the candidates to increase the entertainment and enjoyment for the crowd. "It's really quite fantastic," he continued, adding "I wish all campaigns were decided like this."
Neither Herman Cain or Ron Paul were actually in the race at the point when they started fighting, but it was obvious to everyone that this day would come. "Cain and Paul were bound to fight from the Iowa Straw Poll," said Paul supporter Carol Paul, incidentally his wife. "There was just a certain animosity between them from the start."
No one is entirely certain about how or why this fistfight actually broke out. Many have posited that it was simply the pre-election day tension that finally got to them, even though they weren't actually running. Supporters of this theory cite the fact that many simple citizens (peasants, if you like) also go head to head in combat quite often because of their political views, with no obvious reason as to why.
In any case, much of the nation is still awaiting the end of this possibly eternal battle between Ron Paul and Herman Cain, and wondering when Bachman, Perry, Obama, and Romney will get in for the action.
As the campaigns for president quickly wind down, even the candidates grow tired of pandering and speaking to crowds. Earlier today, the nation saw many of these candidates reach their breaking point. Sick and tired of getting nowhere with the American people, Presidential hopefuls Herman Cain and Ron Paul ended up meeting each other with their fists in an all out battle to the death this morning, while the American public and main-stream media watched with rapt attention. "It was like a return to the gladiatorial days of Rome," said onlooker Joe Smith, selling pebbles and stones to throw at the candidates to increase the entertainment and enjoyment for the crowd. "It's really quite fantastic," he continued, adding "I wish all campaigns were decided like this."
Neither Herman Cain or Ron Paul were actually in the race at the point when they started fighting, but it was obvious to everyone that this day would come. "Cain and Paul were bound to fight from the Iowa Straw Poll," said Paul supporter Carol Paul, incidentally his wife. "There was just a certain animosity between them from the start."
No one is entirely certain about how or why this fistfight actually broke out. Many have posited that it was simply the pre-election day tension that finally got to them, even though they weren't actually running. Supporters of this theory cite the fact that many simple citizens (peasants, if you like) also go head to head in combat quite often because of their political views, with no obvious reason as to why.
In any case, much of the nation is still awaiting the end of this possibly eternal battle between Ron Paul and Herman Cain, and wondering when Bachman, Perry, Obama, and Romney will get in for the action.
Reasons to Vote Herman Cain
11/4/12
I'm not even going to try to disguise this in a story, so here you go:
I'm not even going to try to disguise this in a story, so here you go:
- He has a train. That's right. The Herman Cain Train. Get a ticket. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOFB-2yJzCY&feature=relmfu
- 999. That's his plan. I'm still not sure what it means.
- He likes pizza. He used to boss people around to make pizza. That's pretty cool.
- He has wonderful campaign ads and a wonderful slow smile. Don't believe me? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhm-22Q0PuM
- His foreign policy is fantastic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmkvtfEEFT0 AND http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAGGpK7bSWc
- He can sing. Compare him and Romney, and I think you'll see what I mean.
- That should be enough. Now get out there and board the Herman Cain Train.
CANDIDATES PANDER TO HISPANIC VOTE
Joint photo from Romney and Obama campaigns' "We are also Hispanic campaign," meant to convince Mexican-American voters that both candidates were also Mexican-American and perhaps Hispanic as well.
11/4/12
With only three days left before the election, both Romney and Obama launched a joint movement in which they will incessantly pander to the Hispanic vote. This is the first time in our nation's history that two opposing candidates have supported each other so fully in an issue, so much so that they both posed for a new campaign photograph TOGETHER. Many believed that this has something to do with Romney's copious similarities to the president's policies, but the next day these similarities disappeared and Romney reversed his stance on this movement, swearing it off entirely. This movement gained little support within the hour or two that Romney supported it, and so once he stepped out the Obama campaign followed suit. Nevertheless, the joint photo and joint movement will always remind the American people that one day, party lines disappeared so that the candidates could pander together.
With only three days left before the election, both Romney and Obama launched a joint movement in which they will incessantly pander to the Hispanic vote. This is the first time in our nation's history that two opposing candidates have supported each other so fully in an issue, so much so that they both posed for a new campaign photograph TOGETHER. Many believed that this has something to do with Romney's copious similarities to the president's policies, but the next day these similarities disappeared and Romney reversed his stance on this movement, swearing it off entirely. This movement gained little support within the hour or two that Romney supported it, and so once he stepped out the Obama campaign followed suit. Nevertheless, the joint photo and joint movement will always remind the American people that one day, party lines disappeared so that the candidates could pander together.
49 States To Be wiped off of map
11/3/12
Ohio has recently been declared the only state to exist, say the campaign managers for both the Romney and Obama campaign. Recently, the great-ish state of Ohio has seen an onslaught of campaigning from both camps, more vicious than has ever been seen and more destructive than any rampaging herd of wild bison. Meanwhile, states like Massachusetts are too consistent in their opinions to even be considered. It is with this in mind that legislators in DC are in the midst of creating a law which would completely erase all state borders and create "The United Ohio of America." Many are concerned about this piece of legislation, saying that the sudden lack of State governments would create a power vacuum which would result in anarchy or absolute Federal governmental control. This of course is ridiculous, as state government would continue to exist in the form of the Ohio State government; effectively a mini-federal government to keep the real Federal government at bay. Critics fear an iron rule of government but if the population truly cared about all 50 states, they wouldn't support presidential candidates that only acknowledge the existence of one of them.
Ohio has recently been declared the only state to exist, say the campaign managers for both the Romney and Obama campaign. Recently, the great-ish state of Ohio has seen an onslaught of campaigning from both camps, more vicious than has ever been seen and more destructive than any rampaging herd of wild bison. Meanwhile, states like Massachusetts are too consistent in their opinions to even be considered. It is with this in mind that legislators in DC are in the midst of creating a law which would completely erase all state borders and create "The United Ohio of America." Many are concerned about this piece of legislation, saying that the sudden lack of State governments would create a power vacuum which would result in anarchy or absolute Federal governmental control. This of course is ridiculous, as state government would continue to exist in the form of the Ohio State government; effectively a mini-federal government to keep the real Federal government at bay. Critics fear an iron rule of government but if the population truly cared about all 50 states, they wouldn't support presidential candidates that only acknowledge the existence of one of them.
Electronic voting machines revolt
11/2/12
Yet another controversy has come to light involving the electronic voting machines which have become so... controversial. Over the past few elections, electronic voting machines have been used more and more frequently in more and more places. In today's lightning-quick and increasingly electronically based society, an electronic voting system seemingly provides ease of access to many and a much simpler way to count votes. So it's win-win, right? WRONG. A mere twelve years ago, during the election of 2000, a media firestorm erupted due to uncertainty surrounding the winner of a race between Al Gore and George W. Bush. This confusion may or may not have been caused by electronic voting related error. I'm actually not sure. I didn't really pay attention to that race.
In any case, controversy has erupted once again. It has come to the attention of many election officials that so far in the early voting process, whenever one places a vote for any candidate using one of these machines, the vote is automatically cast for Arnold Schwarzenegger. No one knows exactly why this is occurring, but many theories have been put forward. Probably the most likely of these theories is that THE MACHINES are working for a visitor from the future, trying to get THE TERMINATOR elected as PRESIDENT so that he may establish SKYNET and usher in the AGE OF THE MACHINES with nothing in his way. I shouldn't have to tell you that this would be bad. This would be followed by death and doom on a MASSIVE SCALE, and perhaps the end of mankind entirely. Therefore, I urge you all to vote using the oldest methods possible; in this case, it would probably be best to find a bird, tie your ballot to its leg, and allow it to fly to your local election headquarters. As long as there is no bird rebellion, your vote will be cast for whomever you wished it to be in the first place. Unless the birds are socialist...
Yet another controversy has come to light involving the electronic voting machines which have become so... controversial. Over the past few elections, electronic voting machines have been used more and more frequently in more and more places. In today's lightning-quick and increasingly electronically based society, an electronic voting system seemingly provides ease of access to many and a much simpler way to count votes. So it's win-win, right? WRONG. A mere twelve years ago, during the election of 2000, a media firestorm erupted due to uncertainty surrounding the winner of a race between Al Gore and George W. Bush. This confusion may or may not have been caused by electronic voting related error. I'm actually not sure. I didn't really pay attention to that race.
In any case, controversy has erupted once again. It has come to the attention of many election officials that so far in the early voting process, whenever one places a vote for any candidate using one of these machines, the vote is automatically cast for Arnold Schwarzenegger. No one knows exactly why this is occurring, but many theories have been put forward. Probably the most likely of these theories is that THE MACHINES are working for a visitor from the future, trying to get THE TERMINATOR elected as PRESIDENT so that he may establish SKYNET and usher in the AGE OF THE MACHINES with nothing in his way. I shouldn't have to tell you that this would be bad. This would be followed by death and doom on a MASSIVE SCALE, and perhaps the end of mankind entirely. Therefore, I urge you all to vote using the oldest methods possible; in this case, it would probably be best to find a bird, tie your ballot to its leg, and allow it to fly to your local election headquarters. As long as there is no bird rebellion, your vote will be cast for whomever you wished it to be in the first place. Unless the birds are socialist...
BREAKIng: Candidates still campaigning
11/1/12
Amazingly, candidates are still managing to annoy the American people by giving speeches and attending rallies. Surprising all, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney continue to campaign a mere 5 days before the election. Voters all over the nation have expressed their opinions that these candidates are far too interested in being elected.
Amazingly, candidates are still managing to annoy the American people by giving speeches and attending rallies. Surprising all, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney continue to campaign a mere 5 days before the election. Voters all over the nation have expressed their opinions that these candidates are far too interested in being elected.
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