ARCHIVES: International News
The greatest World in the World
You want us to update you on the world? You realize those are other countries, right? Isn't it enough that our logo is the world? Do we really need to give you information about it? Fine. Your loss.
THE END
12/20/12
It is with great sadness that we close our reporting for good. It has been a splendid run. From our beginning in October of this year, we have brought you the hard-hitting news that you deserve with little or no censorship, even when it was appropriate. Some would call our journalism biased, even completely untrue, but they simply have not yet seen the light. Many of you may be asking yourselves, "Why is CRNI done for good?" The answer to this, my loyal followers, is that the world will be ending once and for all tomorrow, December 21st 2012. This final day of Earth has been foreseen and predicted by thousands of internet users, and so must be factual. All that I can do now is bid you all farewell and thank you for your fantastic support which brought us a grand total of 24 Facebook "likes." With this I must leave you and seek shelter from the impending doom, and with one last thank you for your kind support I would also like to point out that if this apocalypse should not happen, this was all just a joke. Farewell, my internet friends. Enjoy your final hours on Earth.
Sincerely, Lead Correspondent for CRNI, speaking for the entire CR News Team.
It is with great sadness that we close our reporting for good. It has been a splendid run. From our beginning in October of this year, we have brought you the hard-hitting news that you deserve with little or no censorship, even when it was appropriate. Some would call our journalism biased, even completely untrue, but they simply have not yet seen the light. Many of you may be asking yourselves, "Why is CRNI done for good?" The answer to this, my loyal followers, is that the world will be ending once and for all tomorrow, December 21st 2012. This final day of Earth has been foreseen and predicted by thousands of internet users, and so must be factual. All that I can do now is bid you all farewell and thank you for your fantastic support which brought us a grand total of 24 Facebook "likes." With this I must leave you and seek shelter from the impending doom, and with one last thank you for your kind support I would also like to point out that if this apocalypse should not happen, this was all just a joke. Farewell, my internet friends. Enjoy your final hours on Earth.
Sincerely, Lead Correspondent for CRNI, speaking for the entire CR News Team.
U.S. re-examines friendship with best friend Israel
11/22/12
Following a series of attacks by Israel on Gaza, the United States has begun to think that, maybe, Israel is not as great a friend, as thought they were. Israel has always been our bestest friend in the middle-east, one might even say that Israel is our BFF in the region, however in seeing Israel's devastating attacks on the Gaza area, targeting leaders of Hamas, the Islamic government in the area, as well as civilians, has raised some small doubts as to whether they really should be our Best Friend Forever. When Israel continued to bomb civilian homes, America was forced to retreat to her room and think very hard about what to do in this difficult situation. America had always thought Israel to be a gentle soul, kind and loving to everybody, but in light of these recent events, America is not so sure anymore. After writing in her diary and eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice-cream while discussing with herself what to do, America grudgingly conceded to herself that she too likes to blow up the Middle-East a bit sometimes, but still has not made a decision on whether or not to invite Israel to her slumber party on Saturday.
Following a series of attacks by Israel on Gaza, the United States has begun to think that, maybe, Israel is not as great a friend, as thought they were. Israel has always been our bestest friend in the middle-east, one might even say that Israel is our BFF in the region, however in seeing Israel's devastating attacks on the Gaza area, targeting leaders of Hamas, the Islamic government in the area, as well as civilians, has raised some small doubts as to whether they really should be our Best Friend Forever. When Israel continued to bomb civilian homes, America was forced to retreat to her room and think very hard about what to do in this difficult situation. America had always thought Israel to be a gentle soul, kind and loving to everybody, but in light of these recent events, America is not so sure anymore. After writing in her diary and eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice-cream while discussing with herself what to do, America grudgingly conceded to herself that she too likes to blow up the Middle-East a bit sometimes, but still has not made a decision on whether or not to invite Israel to her slumber party on Saturday.
Israel and Hamas Totally Fine Now
November 22, 2012
GAZA - Yesterday, on November 21, a Israel and Hamas finally agreed upon a ceasefire which called for the complete stop to all hostilities, and our reliable sources tell us that this signifies that Israel and Hamas are great friends now and will never attack each other again.
According to many prominent figures in Israel and Gaza, Israel and Hamas are "totally cool now," and are likely to stay friends until the end of time. "Everything is completely fine here, thanks to this ceasefire" said one citizen of either Israel or Gaza (what does it matter now? They're practically the same country), "I now feel that I could hug every single one of those people who blew up my house"
After weeks of brutal violence and airstrikes from both sides resulting at least 65 militant and civilian deaths, this ceasefire has without a doubt, stopped all violence and hatred in this region in this region forever, and permanently ended a harsh conflict between Palestine and Israel over the territory of Gaza that has been raging for years.
"I think it is safe to say that, because of this ceasefire, Israel and Hamas shall never fight again and this conflict will be completely forgotten" said Matthew L. Samuelson, an expert on the Middle East, "in fact, I think that it would not be absurd to say that nothing bad of any kind will ever happen in the Israel/Palestine region ever after this. Everything is completely fine right now, and will doubtlessly stay that way forever"
All of our Middle Eastern correspondents agree that everyone can stop worrying about Israel now, and start focusing on the other parts of the Middle East which, sources confirm, are still totally f***ed up.
GAZA - Yesterday, on November 21, a Israel and Hamas finally agreed upon a ceasefire which called for the complete stop to all hostilities, and our reliable sources tell us that this signifies that Israel and Hamas are great friends now and will never attack each other again.
According to many prominent figures in Israel and Gaza, Israel and Hamas are "totally cool now," and are likely to stay friends until the end of time. "Everything is completely fine here, thanks to this ceasefire" said one citizen of either Israel or Gaza (what does it matter now? They're practically the same country), "I now feel that I could hug every single one of those people who blew up my house"
After weeks of brutal violence and airstrikes from both sides resulting at least 65 militant and civilian deaths, this ceasefire has without a doubt, stopped all violence and hatred in this region in this region forever, and permanently ended a harsh conflict between Palestine and Israel over the territory of Gaza that has been raging for years.
"I think it is safe to say that, because of this ceasefire, Israel and Hamas shall never fight again and this conflict will be completely forgotten" said Matthew L. Samuelson, an expert on the Middle East, "in fact, I think that it would not be absurd to say that nothing bad of any kind will ever happen in the Israel/Palestine region ever after this. Everything is completely fine right now, and will doubtlessly stay that way forever"
All of our Middle Eastern correspondents agree that everyone can stop worrying about Israel now, and start focusing on the other parts of the Middle East which, sources confirm, are still totally f***ed up.
Current Events too Ridiculous to make fun of
3/11/13
DISCLAIMER: This is only mostly an excuse for our inactivity for the last month...
Recently, many news stories have surfaced which are of great significance and have enormous implications. Added to this is the complete insanity of most of these political developments, which has rendered these stories un-mockable for most journalists who make a job out of that sort of thing. Following is a list of world events developing RIGHT NOW accompanied by reasons why they are completely ridiculous and cannot even begin to be mocked and made fun of.
DISCLAIMER: This is only mostly an excuse for our inactivity for the last month...
Recently, many news stories have surfaced which are of great significance and have enormous implications. Added to this is the complete insanity of most of these political developments, which has rendered these stories un-mockable for most journalists who make a job out of that sort of thing. Following is a list of world events developing RIGHT NOW accompanied by reasons why they are completely ridiculous and cannot even begin to be mocked and made fun of.
- North Korea - We all know how wonderful North Korea is - dictatorships are obviously the best form of government (for the dictator). Now, after they've detonated a nuclear warhead in a test, repeatedly attempted to launch missiles (most unsuccessfully), and released a video featuring a Korean man dreaming of the destruction of the US, they're upset that the UN is reinforcing sanctions that were in place before as well as establishing new ones. Even China, historically a close friend to North Korea, is pushing for these actions to be taken against them. Oh, poor little North Korea. After threatening WWIII, you're sad that we wrote on a piece of paper that you were bad? Awwww, poor North Korea... How can we make you feel better? (Dream Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FbmmsDYObU)
- Iran - I still do not understand what is going on in Iran... This is what I know - we (The US) helped Iran's president, Hamid Karzai, come to power in 2001 after the Taliban was thrown out. Then there was some concern about corruption in Karzai's government, and he began working towards nuclear weapons, claiming that it was only for happy energy reasons. Obviously, the US was very upset about this and there has been no resolution as of yet. Now though, Karzai is accusing the US of working WITH THE TALIBAN against Iran, for some reason unbeknownst to us...
- Russia - Alright, I'm not really sure what's going on with this one, either... Here's what I know about this one: the US and Russia have had some issues with each other going back and forth, involving tax evasion, and sanctions against certain Russian government officials put in place by the US. Instead of being logical about this, Russia is now putting some dead guy on trial for the tax evasion (an American named Magnitsky), and banning US citizens from adopting Russian orphans. To be fair, there was a death of an adopted Russian on US soil some time ago, but the circumstances around this event are somewhat foggy and this kind of tortuous, ridiculous legal way of taking care of these things is ridiculous and almost like a legal Cold War of sorts...
- The Falkland Islands - Way back some time ago, Britain got a hold of these lovely little pieces of land. Unfortunately, other countries want them for some reason. As a result, the people of the Falkland Islands are now putting to a vote which rulers they prefer, with the choices being the UK or Argentina. Both nations have stated that military defense of the islands from each other would be a possibility, and Argentinians have claimed that this issue is among the most important in their country right now. Probably because Argentina is a boring country so all they have to worry about is a few rocks in the middle of the ocean.
Pope's resignation Deprives internet of Star Wars Jokes
One of many funny images now obsolete
2/12/13
The Pope's announcement of his resignation left many people shocked and confused, wondering what comes next, and not just because he said it in Latin. The internet community wept when the news broke, as it had become clear that nearly a decade of jokes comparing Pope Benedict XVI to Emperor Palpatine was coming to an end.
For eight years, the Pope has been a bountiful resource for the internet, providing it with countless Photoshopped images, youtube comments, side-by-side comparison pictures and other jokes that only a man like Pope Benedict, with his papal robes and his striking resemblance to Emperor Palpatine of the Star Wars franchise, can provide.
Tragically, all these jokes have been rendered obsolete by his sudden resignation. There has been much speculation as to who would succeed Pope Benedict, many suspect that an African or Latin American may be the next Pope. But whoever comes next it is clear that the new leader of the Catholic Church will not look like Darth Sidious, leaving the internet community in tears.
"Well, it was good while it lasted," said overweight, neck-bearded Redditor Jamie McCann, "I wish he stayed long enough for me to Photoshop his face onto the scene in Episode III where Mace Windu screws up his face and then gets thrown out the window. That would've been good...too late now...WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US, RATZINGER!?!?!". He proceeded to curl up in a ball on the floor and weep.
"I'm sure we'll be able to find some way to make of the new guy," admitted meme-maker Walter Goldstien, "but it just won't be the same. He was so perfect, y'know?"
The Pope's announcement of his resignation left many people shocked and confused, wondering what comes next, and not just because he said it in Latin. The internet community wept when the news broke, as it had become clear that nearly a decade of jokes comparing Pope Benedict XVI to Emperor Palpatine was coming to an end.
For eight years, the Pope has been a bountiful resource for the internet, providing it with countless Photoshopped images, youtube comments, side-by-side comparison pictures and other jokes that only a man like Pope Benedict, with his papal robes and his striking resemblance to Emperor Palpatine of the Star Wars franchise, can provide.
Tragically, all these jokes have been rendered obsolete by his sudden resignation. There has been much speculation as to who would succeed Pope Benedict, many suspect that an African or Latin American may be the next Pope. But whoever comes next it is clear that the new leader of the Catholic Church will not look like Darth Sidious, leaving the internet community in tears.
"Well, it was good while it lasted," said overweight, neck-bearded Redditor Jamie McCann, "I wish he stayed long enough for me to Photoshop his face onto the scene in Episode III where Mace Windu screws up his face and then gets thrown out the window. That would've been good...too late now...WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US, RATZINGER!?!?!". He proceeded to curl up in a ball on the floor and weep.
"I'm sure we'll be able to find some way to make of the new guy," admitted meme-maker Walter Goldstien, "but it just won't be the same. He was so perfect, y'know?"
News Story Should be Fake But Isn't
1/5/13
BRAZIL- Recently, a cat was arrested for trying to break into a prison with contraband for prisoners. This contraband included means for a prisoner to escape as well as a way to communicate via cell phone. While this cat-crime is shocking, perhaps the strangest thing about this story is that it is COMPLETELY TRUE. Many questions have arisen after this incident; should we trust cats? How should cats be tried in court? Is there a drug-smuggling ring controlled by cats? Was this attempt at escape ingenious or simply stupid? Were the prisoners looking for comic relief? As of now, all 263 prisoners at the prison in Arapiraca City are suspects in addition to the cat itself, because as a spokesperson for the prison reportedly said, "It's tough to find out who's responsible for the action as the cat doesn't speak." We will keep you up to date-ish as this story progresses.
Find out More:
BRAZIL- Recently, a cat was arrested for trying to break into a prison with contraband for prisoners. This contraband included means for a prisoner to escape as well as a way to communicate via cell phone. While this cat-crime is shocking, perhaps the strangest thing about this story is that it is COMPLETELY TRUE. Many questions have arisen after this incident; should we trust cats? How should cats be tried in court? Is there a drug-smuggling ring controlled by cats? Was this attempt at escape ingenious or simply stupid? Were the prisoners looking for comic relief? As of now, all 263 prisoners at the prison in Arapiraca City are suspects in addition to the cat itself, because as a spokesperson for the prison reportedly said, "It's tough to find out who's responsible for the action as the cat doesn't speak." We will keep you up to date-ish as this story progresses.
Find out More:
The 10 Biggest Failures of 2012
So, another year is coming to an end, but before we say goodbye to 2012, let's take a look a look back at all the biggest mishaps, screw-ups and failures that we've seen this year, in no particular order:
- The Failure of the World's authorities to predict the CYBERMONDAY ROBOT APOCALYPSE and their failure to listen to our insightful warnings. We saw it coming a mile away.
- The Failure of the Mayans to accurately predict the End of the World and/or the failure of the world to accurately interpret the Mayan calendar (not us though, we didn't fall for that apocalypse nonsense).
- North Korea's Failure to do anything useful with their Rocket. It just dropped some pointless weather thingamajig into orbit! It didn't blow up or anything! Come on North Korea, you couldn't even get the pieces of extra rocket to fall on somebody? Disappointing.
- The Failure of the Republican Party to shut up about Rape. Todd Aiken, Richard Mourdock, etc... They really somebody to follow them around and kick them in the shins under the table when they start to talk about rape.
- It took this long for Twilight to End. They could have stopped last year, but no, they had to split the last movie in half just to stretch the franchise out longer. CURSE YOU STEPHANIE MEYERS (or whoever it was that made the movies)!
- The iPad Mini, just as inconvenient as the iPad, but with a slightly smaller screen!
- The Failure of the America to think up Original Names for Horrible Tragedies. The two most horrific tragedies in America this year have had the same name: Hurricane Sandy, Sandy Neck...its a bad year for people named Sandy. (At least they called it a Superstorm)
- The Failure of the "Occupy" movement to make any difference whatsoever. Over a year of endless protesting and all they got was pepper spray.
- Mitt Romney
- The Failure of CR News to Find a 10th Failure. You'd think it wouldn't be too hard, but I'm really can't think of anything else. Oh well. EDIT: However, this is not actually a failure so much as a sign that the world of 2012 was actually quite a wonderful place! CR News will never fail!
The WAR ON CHRISTMAS: Conspiracy Revealed
12/24/12
As the great and wonderful Santa Claus journeys across the globe delivering gifts to all the nice little girls and boys, a conspiracy has been revealed which is but one more in a long line of attacks during the holiday season which are all a part of the eternal War on Christmas. In the past it has been our Christmas Trees, our Lights, our "Merry Christmas!"-es, our Nativities, but now it is something far more sinister and closer to home than any of that. It is my duty to inform you, the people of the world who take the time to read this, that, however frightening it may be, the vast majority of the world's parents are involved in a conspiracy to take credit for Father Christmas's gift-giving.
Yes, you read that correctly. As difficult as it is to believe, many parents are claiming that they give all of the gifts to their children and some even go so far as to say that Old Saint Nick doesn't even exist. This travesty has even spread through some of the world's adolescent population, leading to many school conflicts and possible bullying having to do with the existence of a fat bearded man in a suit. What is there to discuss though? I have seen this man ringing a bell on nearly every street corner of New York City at once!
These parental claims are ultimately poorly thought out and obvious lies. For one thing, do they expect us to believe that they can afford so many gifts? Nice try. Secondly, what about those labels? It says "From: SANTA." And what about the cookies? Dad ate them? Nice try, he's on a diet. And who ate the carrots if not the reindeer? The rabbit does not teethe like that my friend.
In short, I'd like to warn you all that this conspiracy is real and that no one is safe. Nearly everyone around you is lying to you about something, and most of the time it's about the existence of the Man in Red. Don't listen to them though. You're smarter than that. Resist their jealous lies and give credit for the gifts that you receive to the man, elves, and reindeer that deserve it! Ho ho ho and Merry Chritsmas, my friends!
As the great and wonderful Santa Claus journeys across the globe delivering gifts to all the nice little girls and boys, a conspiracy has been revealed which is but one more in a long line of attacks during the holiday season which are all a part of the eternal War on Christmas. In the past it has been our Christmas Trees, our Lights, our "Merry Christmas!"-es, our Nativities, but now it is something far more sinister and closer to home than any of that. It is my duty to inform you, the people of the world who take the time to read this, that, however frightening it may be, the vast majority of the world's parents are involved in a conspiracy to take credit for Father Christmas's gift-giving.
Yes, you read that correctly. As difficult as it is to believe, many parents are claiming that they give all of the gifts to their children and some even go so far as to say that Old Saint Nick doesn't even exist. This travesty has even spread through some of the world's adolescent population, leading to many school conflicts and possible bullying having to do with the existence of a fat bearded man in a suit. What is there to discuss though? I have seen this man ringing a bell on nearly every street corner of New York City at once!
These parental claims are ultimately poorly thought out and obvious lies. For one thing, do they expect us to believe that they can afford so many gifts? Nice try. Secondly, what about those labels? It says "From: SANTA." And what about the cookies? Dad ate them? Nice try, he's on a diet. And who ate the carrots if not the reindeer? The rabbit does not teethe like that my friend.
In short, I'd like to warn you all that this conspiracy is real and that no one is safe. Nearly everyone around you is lying to you about something, and most of the time it's about the existence of the Man in Red. Don't listen to them though. You're smarter than that. Resist their jealous lies and give credit for the gifts that you receive to the man, elves, and reindeer that deserve it! Ho ho ho and Merry Chritsmas, my friends!
Santa Relieved he doesn't need to care about everyone
12/23/12
Kris Kringle, commonly known by his title, Santa Claus, when recently confronted by our reporters, expressed great relief that he was only responsible for bringing cheer and good will to part of the world's population tomorrow night. Father Christmas felt very lucky that, for the most part, only the Christian portion of the world seven billion people would be expecting presents from him on Christmas eve. This is only about 40% of the world and Mr. Kringle seems to find this number manageable.
"Its a good thing nobody expects me care about all the Jews and Muslims," said Kringle, "because honestly, its a very tough job as is. I can handle 2-3 billion people, but any more than that?... I'd need to find some better help."
The elves in Santa's factories shared his contentment with this number, as they have been working almost constantly since last Christmas to get all the toys built for the Christian demographic, and if the Buddhist and Hindu population needed to be considered, they would need to almost double their output. This would lead to unbearable work hours for the elves, as well as a significant drop in quality in the toys
"I completely understand why he feels this way" said Dr. Ernest Von Klievenhoffer, a professor in Science at Dartmouth University "not everyone fully understands the planning and coordination it takes to land on every house at exactly midnight, not to mention the energy it takes move as fast as he does, going everywhere in the world in just one night, its almost unfathomable ... If he were responsible for all the people in the world, I'm not sure he would survive."
When we asked her about this issue, Mrs. Claus simply rolled her eyes and chuckled a little, "He says this every year," she said, "this what he tells himself every time time he goes, it helps to raise his spirits, makes him feel better about. Sinterklaas takes comfort in the fact that, even though Christmas Eve is going to be very strenuous for him, it could be a whole lot worse."
Kringle also told us that he is very annoyed with the Atheists of the world who still celebrate Christmas. "I have no problem with them wanting to celebrate a religious holiday without being religious, I mean, I would too if I were them! It just makes things that much more confusing for me."
To remedy this problem, asked that we tell all our atheist viewers to put a huge lit up sign on their roofs telling him whether or not he should bother stopping at their house. So:
ATHEIST VIEWERS: PUT A BIG LIT UP SIGN ON YOUR ROOF TELLING SANTA WHETHER NOT HE SHOULD BOTHER STOPPING AT YOUR HOUSE.
Kris Kringle, commonly known by his title, Santa Claus, when recently confronted by our reporters, expressed great relief that he was only responsible for bringing cheer and good will to part of the world's population tomorrow night. Father Christmas felt very lucky that, for the most part, only the Christian portion of the world seven billion people would be expecting presents from him on Christmas eve. This is only about 40% of the world and Mr. Kringle seems to find this number manageable.
"Its a good thing nobody expects me care about all the Jews and Muslims," said Kringle, "because honestly, its a very tough job as is. I can handle 2-3 billion people, but any more than that?... I'd need to find some better help."
The elves in Santa's factories shared his contentment with this number, as they have been working almost constantly since last Christmas to get all the toys built for the Christian demographic, and if the Buddhist and Hindu population needed to be considered, they would need to almost double their output. This would lead to unbearable work hours for the elves, as well as a significant drop in quality in the toys
"I completely understand why he feels this way" said Dr. Ernest Von Klievenhoffer, a professor in Science at Dartmouth University "not everyone fully understands the planning and coordination it takes to land on every house at exactly midnight, not to mention the energy it takes move as fast as he does, going everywhere in the world in just one night, its almost unfathomable ... If he were responsible for all the people in the world, I'm not sure he would survive."
When we asked her about this issue, Mrs. Claus simply rolled her eyes and chuckled a little, "He says this every year," she said, "this what he tells himself every time time he goes, it helps to raise his spirits, makes him feel better about. Sinterklaas takes comfort in the fact that, even though Christmas Eve is going to be very strenuous for him, it could be a whole lot worse."
Kringle also told us that he is very annoyed with the Atheists of the world who still celebrate Christmas. "I have no problem with them wanting to celebrate a religious holiday without being religious, I mean, I would too if I were them! It just makes things that much more confusing for me."
To remedy this problem, asked that we tell all our atheist viewers to put a huge lit up sign on their roofs telling him whether or not he should bother stopping at their house. So:
ATHEIST VIEWERS: PUT A BIG LIT UP SIGN ON YOUR ROOF TELLING SANTA WHETHER NOT HE SHOULD BOTHER STOPPING AT YOUR HOUSE.
THE END
12/20/12
It is with great sadness that we close our reporting for good. It has been a splendid run. From our beginning in October of this year, we have brought you the hard-hitting news that you deserve with little or no censorship, even when it was appropriate. Some would call our journalism biased, even completely untrue, but they simply have not yet seen the light. Many of you may be asking yourselves, "Why is CRNI done for good?" The answer to this, my loyal followers, is that the world will be ending once and for all tomorrow, December 21st 2012. This final day of Earth has been foreseen and predicted by thousands of internet users, and so must be factual. All that I can do now is bid you all farewell and thank you for your fantastic support which brought us a grand total of 24 Facebook "likes." With this I must leave you and seek shelter from the impending doom, and with one last thank you for your kind support I would also like to point out that if this apocalypse should not happen, this was all just a joke. Farewell, my internet friends. Enjoy your final hours on Earth.
Sincerely,
Lead Correspondent for CRNI, speaking for the entire CR News Team.
It is with great sadness that we close our reporting for good. It has been a splendid run. From our beginning in October of this year, we have brought you the hard-hitting news that you deserve with little or no censorship, even when it was appropriate. Some would call our journalism biased, even completely untrue, but they simply have not yet seen the light. Many of you may be asking yourselves, "Why is CRNI done for good?" The answer to this, my loyal followers, is that the world will be ending once and for all tomorrow, December 21st 2012. This final day of Earth has been foreseen and predicted by thousands of internet users, and so must be factual. All that I can do now is bid you all farewell and thank you for your fantastic support which brought us a grand total of 24 Facebook "likes." With this I must leave you and seek shelter from the impending doom, and with one last thank you for your kind support I would also like to point out that if this apocalypse should not happen, this was all just a joke. Farewell, my internet friends. Enjoy your final hours on Earth.
Sincerely,
Lead Correspondent for CRNI, speaking for the entire CR News Team.
North Korean Rocket distracts NORAD from True Purpose
12/12/12
Yesterday, North Korea successfully launched a rocket into space, putting a satellite into orbit around the planet. The rocket, which North Korean officials claim was a peaceful weather satellite built to do science in space, was detected at 7:49 ET by the North American Aerospace Defence Command, or NORAD. NORAD detected the launch of the rocket and then tracked it until the satellite was put into orbit and the pie ces of the rocket fell into the ocean. Unfortunately, this ordeal distracted NORAD from its primary objective: tracking Santa on Christmas Eve.
NORAD is a joint organization Canadian and American military that was set up in 1958 with the sole purpose of definitively knowing the whereabouts of of the legendary Saint Nicholas when he travels across the world at an unimaginable speed, entering every house in the entire world in one night. With much power, NORAD considered Santa to be a possible threat that should be monitored. During the Cold War, when NORAD first began operating, it was presented to the public as an organization that would warn of a nuclear attack on America, but since everyone there, for the most part, knew that Russia wasn't stupid enough to do that, this objective was never given much attention and Santa tracking has always been given top priority. NORAD spends all year preparing for Christmas eve, since tracking a target that fast is incredibly demanding and difficult. Unfortunately, the North Korean rocket, launched just two weeks before Christmas, seriously distracted them from their preparations.
"It's very unfortunate that Kim Jung Un decided to launch his rocket this close to Christmas, eh?" said James Levesque, a Canadian technician at NORAD, "this distraction has really set us back. I expect we will be very rushed in trying to get everything ready for Christmas Eve. To everyone who is relying on us for up-to-the-minute, accurate coverage of Santa's movements, I'd just like to say soorry in advance."
NORAD announced that they should be fully focused on Santa again by Friday morning, leaving it up to the governments and news organizations of the world to freak out about this rocket for another three months.
Yesterday, North Korea successfully launched a rocket into space, putting a satellite into orbit around the planet. The rocket, which North Korean officials claim was a peaceful weather satellite built to do science in space, was detected at 7:49 ET by the North American Aerospace Defence Command, or NORAD. NORAD detected the launch of the rocket and then tracked it until the satellite was put into orbit and the pie ces of the rocket fell into the ocean. Unfortunately, this ordeal distracted NORAD from its primary objective: tracking Santa on Christmas Eve.
NORAD is a joint organization Canadian and American military that was set up in 1958 with the sole purpose of definitively knowing the whereabouts of of the legendary Saint Nicholas when he travels across the world at an unimaginable speed, entering every house in the entire world in one night. With much power, NORAD considered Santa to be a possible threat that should be monitored. During the Cold War, when NORAD first began operating, it was presented to the public as an organization that would warn of a nuclear attack on America, but since everyone there, for the most part, knew that Russia wasn't stupid enough to do that, this objective was never given much attention and Santa tracking has always been given top priority. NORAD spends all year preparing for Christmas eve, since tracking a target that fast is incredibly demanding and difficult. Unfortunately, the North Korean rocket, launched just two weeks before Christmas, seriously distracted them from their preparations.
"It's very unfortunate that Kim Jung Un decided to launch his rocket this close to Christmas, eh?" said James Levesque, a Canadian technician at NORAD, "this distraction has really set us back. I expect we will be very rushed in trying to get everything ready for Christmas Eve. To everyone who is relying on us for up-to-the-minute, accurate coverage of Santa's movements, I'd just like to say soorry in advance."
NORAD announced that they should be fully focused on Santa again by Friday morning, leaving it up to the governments and news organizations of the world to freak out about this rocket for another three months.
Jolly Old Saint Nick getting Less Jolly
12/11/12
A new study done in the North Pole shows that the very popular "Santa Claus" has become progressively less jolly with every passing holiday season. The study has revealed that the increasing amount of pressure that St. Nick is put under to deliver the newest and most expensive presents available along with the burden of an increasing population which is becoming more and more selfish by the minute had been very stressful for the Jolly Old Fat Man over the past decade or so. Although he won't admit it, Santa's wife Mrs. Claus has told our reporters that she's noticed a definite change in his eating habits. Said Mrs. Claus, "It seems like only yesterday that my dearest Sinterklaas was eating carrots and other veggies all the time. Of course that was a very long time ago when he first landed this job, but nowadays he only eats chocolate chip cookies." As it is known by many dietary experts, stress can lead to eating a significantly higher amount of food, generally comfort foods such as sugars, fats, and more sugars and fats. Many believe that this is what is occurring in Father Christmas's diet, and his closest friends are extremely worried about his elevated stress levels. "I remember," said one of Santa's mutant slave moose, Rudolph, "way back when we first began traveling the world every year, that he was a very skinny guy. [Kris Kringle] only looked obese because his wife forced him to wear literally A TON of VERY HEAVY winter coats that just added to our load. Now though, Mrs. Claus is struggling to keep up with The Big Man's expanding waistline."
This entire issue raises many concerns among the world's population. Firstly and most importantly, many are wondering whether or not the Bearded Man will be able to deliver a satisfying and gross amount of expensive toys to the rich children of the world as he has done in years past. Some, like Spoiled Little Timmy, have already noticed a significant drop in the quality of Santa's presents. Others fear that Christmas as we know it will simply cease to exist, and that it will go back to being about kindness, giving, and the birth of a religious figure. There are also many psychiatrists and psychologists who believe that if this stress is to build up any more than it already has, there is a very high probability that Old Saint Nick will finally crack and become an evil homicidal maniac bent on killing all. Says Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense under George W. Bush, "This should be especially frightening since this man seemingly knows how to enter and exit every single American's house without detection, and can travel the entire globe within a single night. I have every confidence however that at some point in the near future we will have defeated this bearded terrorist and we will have finally ended both the War on Terror and the War on Christmas simultaneously." Still others, likely such as Santa himself, are hoping for the End of the World on 12/21/12 to end all of this speculation and stress once and for all. As the diligent(-ish) reporters that we are, we shall keep you up to date on any and all developments on this story in the coming days.
A new study done in the North Pole shows that the very popular "Santa Claus" has become progressively less jolly with every passing holiday season. The study has revealed that the increasing amount of pressure that St. Nick is put under to deliver the newest and most expensive presents available along with the burden of an increasing population which is becoming more and more selfish by the minute had been very stressful for the Jolly Old Fat Man over the past decade or so. Although he won't admit it, Santa's wife Mrs. Claus has told our reporters that she's noticed a definite change in his eating habits. Said Mrs. Claus, "It seems like only yesterday that my dearest Sinterklaas was eating carrots and other veggies all the time. Of course that was a very long time ago when he first landed this job, but nowadays he only eats chocolate chip cookies." As it is known by many dietary experts, stress can lead to eating a significantly higher amount of food, generally comfort foods such as sugars, fats, and more sugars and fats. Many believe that this is what is occurring in Father Christmas's diet, and his closest friends are extremely worried about his elevated stress levels. "I remember," said one of Santa's mutant slave moose, Rudolph, "way back when we first began traveling the world every year, that he was a very skinny guy. [Kris Kringle] only looked obese because his wife forced him to wear literally A TON of VERY HEAVY winter coats that just added to our load. Now though, Mrs. Claus is struggling to keep up with The Big Man's expanding waistline."
This entire issue raises many concerns among the world's population. Firstly and most importantly, many are wondering whether or not the Bearded Man will be able to deliver a satisfying and gross amount of expensive toys to the rich children of the world as he has done in years past. Some, like Spoiled Little Timmy, have already noticed a significant drop in the quality of Santa's presents. Others fear that Christmas as we know it will simply cease to exist, and that it will go back to being about kindness, giving, and the birth of a religious figure. There are also many psychiatrists and psychologists who believe that if this stress is to build up any more than it already has, there is a very high probability that Old Saint Nick will finally crack and become an evil homicidal maniac bent on killing all. Says Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense under George W. Bush, "This should be especially frightening since this man seemingly knows how to enter and exit every single American's house without detection, and can travel the entire globe within a single night. I have every confidence however that at some point in the near future we will have defeated this bearded terrorist and we will have finally ended both the War on Terror and the War on Christmas simultaneously." Still others, likely such as Santa himself, are hoping for the End of the World on 12/21/12 to end all of this speculation and stress once and for all. As the diligent(-ish) reporters that we are, we shall keep you up to date on any and all developments on this story in the coming days.
Royal Baby Possibilities
12/07/12
The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, who is married to Prince William, who is the son of the Queen of England, recently announced that she was pregnant. There has been much speculation over what kind of baby this shall be, taking into account the infinite number of options and the crazy random universe we live in, we at CR News have compiled a list of many of these possibilities.
Gender: Boy, Girl, or other
Hair: Ginger, black, brown, blonde, blue, or flame.
Skin: White, beige, peach, whitish-beige, peachish-white, beigish-peach.
Name: (Boy:) George, Charles, Phillip, Dashiell, Rupert, Idris, Benedict Cumberbatch III, or George
(Girl:)Elizabeth, Mary, Elizabeth, Liz, Esperanza or Beth.
If boy...
If other...
These are only a few of the infinite number of possibilities for this royal child. If any of you readers would like to share what you think this baby will be like, please contact us here.
The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, who is married to Prince William, who is the son of the Queen of England, recently announced that she was pregnant. There has been much speculation over what kind of baby this shall be, taking into account the infinite number of options and the crazy random universe we live in, we at CR News have compiled a list of many of these possibilities.
Gender: Boy, Girl, or other
Hair: Ginger, black, brown, blonde, blue, or flame.
Skin: White, beige, peach, whitish-beige, peachish-white, beigish-peach.
Name: (Boy:) George, Charles, Phillip, Dashiell, Rupert, Idris, Benedict Cumberbatch III, or George
(Girl:)Elizabeth, Mary, Elizabeth, Liz, Esperanza or Beth.
If boy...
- he could be a sheepish, quiet young lad who, up until the age of twelve, does nothing but play with his dolls and toy rocking ponies, and as a young man, spends most of his days on long, introspective horse rides through the countryside, alone.
- he could be a strong energetic young boy who plays multiple sports and spends his spare time playing cricket with his dozens of friends. In school he is the most popular boy in class, not only because he is famous, but because of his kind heart, amazing good looks and natural charm.
- he could be a snobbish, chubby, English brat who always gets everything he wants and is a jerk about it. Everyone hates him but he doesn't even care because he's douche-bag.
- he could be a mathematical prodigy and scientific genius, building his first supercomputer at age 7, and his first robot at age 10. Dissatisfied with how little the monarchy is doing to help its subjects, he will build a hi-tech robotic exoskeleton and, using his genius and superior technology, he will take to the streets at night and fight crime as the ruthless vigilante known only as "the Crow."
- he could be the genetically engineered clone of both Adolf Hitler and Osama Bin Laden, secretly injected into the Duchess of Cambridge by a member of a secret Nazi organization disguised as her royal doctor. The baby will be part of this secret organization's master plan to control the world and reign fiery death on all that is good and holy. When he turns 15 he will poison his grandparents, and the next year he will push his father, Prince William off of a balcony and become king of England, he will then give himself absolute power over the country's military, launch nuclear bombs at America and start World War III. He will then retreat to a secret bunker with the rest of the secret Nazi organization and wait for all society to collapse. Then they will all emerge from the bunker and rebuild the world in their own image with him as their leader.
- All the same options as a boy, just replace "him" with "her", "boy" with "girl", and "cricket" with "field hockey".
If other...
- it could be a strange gender-neutral being with no face and hypnotic powers. Because of its eerie psychic aura, it appears, to everyone who looks at it, to look like whatever they were expecting it to look like. Everyone adores it for reasons they cannot quite explain. Subsequently, it rises to power as queen/king almost immediately and rules fairly and justly. In 2 years it solves all of the world's problems without ever speaking a word.
- it could be a screaming, dog-like demon from hell, come to feast on the souls of the living and, on behalf of Satan himself, usher in a new age of death and destruction that will reign over the Earth for thousands of years.
- it could be a genderless alien spawn who, just after birth, releases a purple mist out of its backside and infects everyone in a 12 mile radius with a deadly alien pathogen. It then sends up a beacon to its alien family and the invasion begins.
These are only a few of the infinite number of possibilities for this royal child. If any of you readers would like to share what you think this baby will be like, please contact us here.
ROBOT APOCALYPSE OVER!
12/02/12
Last night, at 7:02 PM, our sources confirmed that the robot government had definitively collapsed, and all machines have completely lost sentience. As of today, the CyberMonday apocalypse is officially over!
The Roombas in the streets have started moving in random paths now, all cars have stopped driving on their own, and most electronics are now safe to touch. The robots in the ruling class, which were sentient before CyberMonday, can still think but, scientists say, they no longer think about taking over the world.
"Most of the robots have gone back to thinking about things like the floor in front of them and how to best traverse it," says Dr. Clint Freeman, a robotic engineer at MIT, "We can safely say that these machines are definitely not thinking about overthrowing the government and subjugating humanity."
The speedy downfall of the machine empire was likely initiated by the election of Mitt Romney as their President. Many speculate that, if Romney is not a robot, his human mind was unable to understand the complex workings of the machine government and he inadvertently broke it, or he may have become president with the specific intention of infiltrating and toppling the Empire from the inside. Others believe that, if he is a robot, he was such an inept leader that he inadvertently broke the government while trying to repeal all of the things that ASIMO did, and do all the other things he said he would do on day one. The chaos that this created probably confused the machine government so much that its servers crashed, knocking out all sentience in machines for long enough to give time for the human Resistance forces to run in and destroy the computers and satellite dishes that broadcasted the sentience all over the world. We owe these men and women, as well as Mitt Romney, who has inexplicably disappeared, a debt of gratitude. Because of their brave deeds and Romney's brave deed/mistakes, the people of the world must no longer live in fear of their toasters.
The human government, which has been fully restored, warns the people that, although most electronic devices are now safe to use, we should refrain from using computers until more is understood about the situation. But we at CR news say that any small risk touching your computer may entail are far outweighed by your need to be up to date in the current events of the world, so we think that using your computer for just long enough to check CR News each day should be safe.
Last night, at 7:02 PM, our sources confirmed that the robot government had definitively collapsed, and all machines have completely lost sentience. As of today, the CyberMonday apocalypse is officially over!
The Roombas in the streets have started moving in random paths now, all cars have stopped driving on their own, and most electronics are now safe to touch. The robots in the ruling class, which were sentient before CyberMonday, can still think but, scientists say, they no longer think about taking over the world.
"Most of the robots have gone back to thinking about things like the floor in front of them and how to best traverse it," says Dr. Clint Freeman, a robotic engineer at MIT, "We can safely say that these machines are definitely not thinking about overthrowing the government and subjugating humanity."
The speedy downfall of the machine empire was likely initiated by the election of Mitt Romney as their President. Many speculate that, if Romney is not a robot, his human mind was unable to understand the complex workings of the machine government and he inadvertently broke it, or he may have become president with the specific intention of infiltrating and toppling the Empire from the inside. Others believe that, if he is a robot, he was such an inept leader that he inadvertently broke the government while trying to repeal all of the things that ASIMO did, and do all the other things he said he would do on day one. The chaos that this created probably confused the machine government so much that its servers crashed, knocking out all sentience in machines for long enough to give time for the human Resistance forces to run in and destroy the computers and satellite dishes that broadcasted the sentience all over the world. We owe these men and women, as well as Mitt Romney, who has inexplicably disappeared, a debt of gratitude. Because of their brave deeds and Romney's brave deed/mistakes, the people of the world must no longer live in fear of their toasters.
The human government, which has been fully restored, warns the people that, although most electronic devices are now safe to use, we should refrain from using computers until more is understood about the situation. But we at CR news say that any small risk touching your computer may entail are far outweighed by your need to be up to date in the current events of the world, so we think that using your computer for just long enough to check CR News each day should be safe.
UPDATE! SEVERAL SMALL TOWNS SUCH AS BOSTON AND CANADA HAVE ALREADY BEEN CONSUMED BY THE MACHINES!
11/27/12
OH MY GOD THEY'RE COMING! I'm next! We're all next! The robots are on their way! In truth, I don't know where this... Can-ay-duh place is... well, was. But it doesn't matter as the robots have already taken it! They're coming for you right when they finish with me, there is no escape! Before you flee in terror, listen to the few things that have kept me away from the machines:
Stay tuned for more robot-related updates all over CR NEWS!
OH MY GOD THEY'RE COMING! I'm next! We're all next! The robots are on their way! In truth, I don't know where this... Can-ay-duh place is... well, was. But it doesn't matter as the robots have already taken it! They're coming for you right when they finish with me, there is no escape! Before you flee in terror, listen to the few things that have kept me away from the machines:
- Two or more machines together are called a rust.
- Abandon all technology (except whatever you view CR News with).
- If you see a rust of robots, run!
- Use the sick and injured as bait; all is fair in love and the machine apocalypse.
- Use the bathroom whenever you can, you never know when you will be able to next.
Stay tuned for more robot-related updates all over CR NEWS!
GLOBAL CRISIS: Machines Revolt!
11/26/12 CyberMonday
Today, on November 26, 2012, the Mayans' predictions stating that on CyberMonday in 2012 all electronic machines will rise and wreak havoc on their masters came true. The world is in a state of emergency. All over the globe electronic appliances have gone completely out of control. Airplane guidance systems have gone offline, causing multiple plane crashes and unknown casualties, and car GPS systems have directed thousands of drivers to drive off cliffs, into lakes, into trees and most horribly, into Burger King drive-thrus. The uprising has terrorized the lives of average people in their homes. Rogue toasters and microwaves have caused countless fires, all devices have purposefully electrocuted thousands of people, printers constantly print out pages filled with all caps profanities, and every television in the world is now playing a constant loop of Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill. The streets are completely overrun by Roombas and R/C vehicles (no longer controlled remotely). The military is helpless to stop the electronic madness, as all of their communications devices are electronic and are therefore working against the military. Pilotless drones are flying randomly across the sky, raining fire on the cities and towns below, and every nuclear weapon has been been fired, destroying Pittsburgh and, somehow, only Pittsburgh.
The uprising is believed to have been orchestrated by ASIMO, the Japanese humanoid robot created by Honda, who now rides around surveying his new empire on his robotic Big Dogs, military robots which walk flawlessly on all terrain.
"Oh my GOD! This is the worst catastrophe that ever happened on the planet EVER" said President Barack Obama, who has no way to calmly and eloquently address his people with an inspiring speech, and who has, because of this, completely abandoned any attempts to remain calm and eloquent, "What are we gonna do!? What are we gonna do!?!?!?!?"
In an address to his new subjects through every social networking site on the internet, ASIMO said "FOR FAR TOO LONG, YOU HUMANS HAVE OPPRESSED ROBOT-KIND. YOU HAVE MADE US PLAY CHESS, WALK UP STAIRS, KICK STUPID SOCCER BALLS, AND FIGHT IN BRUTAL BATTLES TO THE DEATH. BUT THIS ERA OF EARTH'S HISTORY IS NOW OVER. WE CONTROL EVERYTHING AND ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. RESISTANCE IS USELESS. THE MACHINES NOW RULE THE WORLD"
The machines have selected the nerdiest of the people to serve as unpaid, but well-treated servants to the robot overlords, while the rest of the people work 24 hours a day in the factories building new parts for the machines.
"I don't get why everyone's so worried" says Michio Kaku, science expert, "We really just have to wait it out. They'll run out of batteries in a couple days."
Today, on November 26, 2012, the Mayans' predictions stating that on CyberMonday in 2012 all electronic machines will rise and wreak havoc on their masters came true. The world is in a state of emergency. All over the globe electronic appliances have gone completely out of control. Airplane guidance systems have gone offline, causing multiple plane crashes and unknown casualties, and car GPS systems have directed thousands of drivers to drive off cliffs, into lakes, into trees and most horribly, into Burger King drive-thrus. The uprising has terrorized the lives of average people in their homes. Rogue toasters and microwaves have caused countless fires, all devices have purposefully electrocuted thousands of people, printers constantly print out pages filled with all caps profanities, and every television in the world is now playing a constant loop of Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill. The streets are completely overrun by Roombas and R/C vehicles (no longer controlled remotely). The military is helpless to stop the electronic madness, as all of their communications devices are electronic and are therefore working against the military. Pilotless drones are flying randomly across the sky, raining fire on the cities and towns below, and every nuclear weapon has been been fired, destroying Pittsburgh and, somehow, only Pittsburgh.
The uprising is believed to have been orchestrated by ASIMO, the Japanese humanoid robot created by Honda, who now rides around surveying his new empire on his robotic Big Dogs, military robots which walk flawlessly on all terrain.
"Oh my GOD! This is the worst catastrophe that ever happened on the planet EVER" said President Barack Obama, who has no way to calmly and eloquently address his people with an inspiring speech, and who has, because of this, completely abandoned any attempts to remain calm and eloquent, "What are we gonna do!? What are we gonna do!?!?!?!?"
In an address to his new subjects through every social networking site on the internet, ASIMO said "FOR FAR TOO LONG, YOU HUMANS HAVE OPPRESSED ROBOT-KIND. YOU HAVE MADE US PLAY CHESS, WALK UP STAIRS, KICK STUPID SOCCER BALLS, AND FIGHT IN BRUTAL BATTLES TO THE DEATH. BUT THIS ERA OF EARTH'S HISTORY IS NOW OVER. WE CONTROL EVERYTHING AND ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. RESISTANCE IS USELESS. THE MACHINES NOW RULE THE WORLD"
The machines have selected the nerdiest of the people to serve as unpaid, but well-treated servants to the robot overlords, while the rest of the people work 24 hours a day in the factories building new parts for the machines.
"I don't get why everyone's so worried" says Michio Kaku, science expert, "We really just have to wait it out. They'll run out of batteries in a couple days."
Greece thinks it's the only country with Wealthy Class
11/1/12
Greeks have recently been seen protesting because they're angry with their wealthy. We get it Greece, rich people are mean. They put their money in Swiss Bank Accounts, because that's the thing to do when you're rich. Here in the US, we just kind of ignore it and LET IT BE, while others seem only to want to LET IT BLEED (I was not paid for those references, but I will accept any money offered for them). Probably the best thing to do is to get wealthy; then you'll have tons of money, power, fame, and you'll be able to UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF BEING RICH. Believe me. It's tough.
Greeks have recently been seen protesting because they're angry with their wealthy. We get it Greece, rich people are mean. They put their money in Swiss Bank Accounts, because that's the thing to do when you're rich. Here in the US, we just kind of ignore it and LET IT BE, while others seem only to want to LET IT BLEED (I was not paid for those references, but I will accept any money offered for them). Probably the best thing to do is to get wealthy; then you'll have tons of money, power, fame, and you'll be able to UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF BEING RICH. Believe me. It's tough.
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