THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
The Only Nation in the World. Period.
Portland bans urination
Friday the April 18th
Yesterday, the city of Portland, OR flushed 38 million gallons of water after a man urinated into a reservoir containing the public water supply for the entire city. In response,
Small rodent held at gunpoint to end the suffering
2/2/14
A bipartisan task force came together this weekend, with members from all corners of the nation. Headed by a man from Atlanta, this special-ops group infiltrated the ceremony of Punxsutawney Phil and held a gun to the small beaver thing's head, wearing puffily warm jackets and ski masks because of the extreme cold. They demanded that it declare winter over immediately.
As of now, the group is still holding the small furry animal hostage, and congress has declared a state of national emergency, claiming that these extremists will upset the laws of weather and cause the destruction of the entire planet. In a statement released before the siege of the ceremony, the leader of the group claimed that "this vermin has killed countless millions" and that it must be stopped.
A bipartisan task force came together this weekend, with members from all corners of the nation. Headed by a man from Atlanta, this special-ops group infiltrated the ceremony of Punxsutawney Phil and held a gun to the small beaver thing's head, wearing puffily warm jackets and ski masks because of the extreme cold. They demanded that it declare winter over immediately.
As of now, the group is still holding the small furry animal hostage, and congress has declared a state of national emergency, claiming that these extremists will upset the laws of weather and cause the destruction of the entire planet. In a statement released before the siege of the ceremony, the leader of the group claimed that "this vermin has killed countless millions" and that it must be stopped.
Obama returns to annual TV game show for 2014
1/28/14
As is traditional with American Presidents, Barack Obama is once again returning to the annual TV game show, "How's the Nation?!" hosted by Joe Biden and John Boehner. Airing at 9PM tonight, the president is to spin a giant wheel of adjectives to find an accurate description for our nation . More commonly known as the State of the Union Address, or SOTU, this is one of the most watched political events on television, and airs in late January or early February once a year. This game was originally created so that Congress could subject the President to an embarrassing speech and then hours of humiliating post-game analysis, and some of the weaker presidents who could not handle this sort of treatment simply stepped out of the game, instead writing to Congress to tell them how much force to put into a wheel spin. Such presidents included the known wuss President Thomas Jefferson. Unfortunately for him, because he did not play the game, he never had any chance of winning the future like our current President Barack Obama, and was simply delusional thinking that he held any power at all after he refused to stand in front of the gentlemanly senate of 1801.
This year, President Obama is sure to wow the audience with his superb wheel-spinning and adjective skills, but despite this he will likely receive plenty of criticism from both sides of the aisle as the post-game analysis continues.
As is traditional with American Presidents, Barack Obama is once again returning to the annual TV game show, "How's the Nation?!" hosted by Joe Biden and John Boehner. Airing at 9PM tonight, the president is to spin a giant wheel of adjectives to find an accurate description for our nation . More commonly known as the State of the Union Address, or SOTU, this is one of the most watched political events on television, and airs in late January or early February once a year. This game was originally created so that Congress could subject the President to an embarrassing speech and then hours of humiliating post-game analysis, and some of the weaker presidents who could not handle this sort of treatment simply stepped out of the game, instead writing to Congress to tell them how much force to put into a wheel spin. Such presidents included the known wuss President Thomas Jefferson. Unfortunately for him, because he did not play the game, he never had any chance of winning the future like our current President Barack Obama, and was simply delusional thinking that he held any power at all after he refused to stand in front of the gentlemanly senate of 1801.
This year, President Obama is sure to wow the audience with his superb wheel-spinning and adjective skills, but despite this he will likely receive plenty of criticism from both sides of the aisle as the post-game analysis continues.
Storm Hercules Smear Campaign
1/2/14
As some of you with the ability to look out the window may have noticed it is snowing a lot. According to a press release by Mt. Olympias this storm is caused by Hades in anther attempt to over throw Zeus by attacking his hero and son Hercules. "This time Hades decided to go with a smear campaign agents his opponents," states our local mythical creatures and gods corespondent. "Who would want to be associated by name with a storm that is causing so much harm? Hades feels that everything went wrong last time because Hercules had too much popular support." When asked for an interview Hades declined saying only that, "If I was 'responsible' for this than I would probably call the results middling."
So far The Winter storm Hercules Has caused millions to go without power, forcing them to resort to prehistoric ways. "I think that we should carry out a sacrifice," says one local man. "Nothing too big just a bird or a lamb or something like that, I don't think we have to resort to human sacrifice yet but if it gets much worse...." Please note that CR News has not received any further correspondence with this reporter. In addition to power loss Winter storm Hercules has caused a 30 car pileup on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, injuring multiple people, and is predicted to leave up to 18" of snow in some areas.
"I used to think that Hercules was the good guy," says Movie critic Anna Longstaff, "but now I see that he is actually the one causing all the trouble and hurt." When asked on her opinion on weather or not she thought that this was a smear campaign by Hades she replied "No he wouldn't be that stupid to name the storm so obviously after Hercules he would try to be more subtle and name it after one of his annoying animal-friend things."
Weather or not this is actually a smear campaign CR News Teem recommends thees precautions; Make a hole in your floor where you can set up a camp fire if necessary, keep as much gasoline near you as possible (we recommend you store it near a fire so that you will always be able to see it), wear a Snuggy at all times you may look ridiculous but at least it doubles as a body bag if you die of hypothermia, final constantly check CR News for updates. Good Luck.
As some of you with the ability to look out the window may have noticed it is snowing a lot. According to a press release by Mt. Olympias this storm is caused by Hades in anther attempt to over throw Zeus by attacking his hero and son Hercules. "This time Hades decided to go with a smear campaign agents his opponents," states our local mythical creatures and gods corespondent. "Who would want to be associated by name with a storm that is causing so much harm? Hades feels that everything went wrong last time because Hercules had too much popular support." When asked for an interview Hades declined saying only that, "If I was 'responsible' for this than I would probably call the results middling."
So far The Winter storm Hercules Has caused millions to go without power, forcing them to resort to prehistoric ways. "I think that we should carry out a sacrifice," says one local man. "Nothing too big just a bird or a lamb or something like that, I don't think we have to resort to human sacrifice yet but if it gets much worse...." Please note that CR News has not received any further correspondence with this reporter. In addition to power loss Winter storm Hercules has caused a 30 car pileup on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, injuring multiple people, and is predicted to leave up to 18" of snow in some areas.
"I used to think that Hercules was the good guy," says Movie critic Anna Longstaff, "but now I see that he is actually the one causing all the trouble and hurt." When asked on her opinion on weather or not she thought that this was a smear campaign by Hades she replied "No he wouldn't be that stupid to name the storm so obviously after Hercules he would try to be more subtle and name it after one of his annoying animal-friend things."
Weather or not this is actually a smear campaign CR News Teem recommends thees precautions; Make a hole in your floor where you can set up a camp fire if necessary, keep as much gasoline near you as possible (we recommend you store it near a fire so that you will always be able to see it), wear a Snuggy at all times you may look ridiculous but at least it doubles as a body bag if you die of hypothermia, final constantly check CR News for updates. Good Luck.
Snowden Files Reveal More Corporate Cooperation in the North
12/24/13
NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has recently released more top secret government files from the offices of the National Security Agency, and the revelations that have come from them are sure to result in some plummeting shares and profits for yet another high-profile Wall Street company. Snowden, who defected from the US mere months ago, has been leaking official NSA documents to the public over the last few months, saying that this information on the United States Government's surveillance activities is something that the general public needs to know about. Some of the biggest reveals have been about NSA spying on foreign leaders, and the fact that the NSA collects terabytes of data on US citizens' cellular and internet activities with the consent of companies that provide these services, such as Google and Verizon. Unsurprisingly, this information had consequences, mainly in the form of a media backlash against these companies for cooperating with the government in what is seen as an invasion of privacy on the American people. This also led to an immediate and significant drop off in profits in the foreign market for these companies, as the realization that the US is an annoying nosy "friend" freaked more than a few people out.
Throughout the entire Snowden fiasco, it's been only a matter of time until some real news surfaces and shocks the world. Earlier today, that news came in the form of another release of government documents from Snowden, still in hiding in Russia, with a personal note. This document detailed the agreement between Santa Claus and his toy making corporation and the US government, which ultimately entails the funneling of consumer information to the National Security Agency in exchange for a lack of missiles raining down on the North Pole. The document, which includes images of the President making the final deal with jolly old snooping St. Nick, lays out the entire supply line for Mr. Claus's secret information, and how it is to be collected and controlled. The information starts at the North Pole, where Father Christmas uses high-tech surveillance equipment to keep an eye on all the little boys and girls across the world, and in turn their parents, relatives, and multi-denominational friends. This information is immediately seized by NORAD, a government agency set up under the guise of keeping track of rosy-cheeked Santa but actually simply conveying his collected information back to NSA headquarters on US soil. Once in agency hands, the information is combed through for signs of terrorism or Christmas gift ideas, then safely secured in the NSA's Utah data-storage facility.
In addition to shocking the entire world and leading many to burn their Christmas trees and any gifts they receive this Christmas, as well as fill their chimneys with cement, this news ties together much of the Snowden/Santa conspiracy. Firstly, it gives true reason for the impending NORAD attack on the North Pole reported on earlier this week. Once a mole is discovered it is only logical for the employer to eliminate them, and the US government seems to be acting on this reasoning. In addition, this information explains Edward Snowden's plea to the Brazilian Government for permanent asylum, since the only valid reason for him to leave the safety of Russia is if a madman from the nearby North were suddenly after him for vengeance, which will undoubtedly happen quite soon, possibly as Kris Kringle passes by Moscow tonight.
In any case, Claus and his North Pole factories will have a troubled few years ahead of them in terms of global support and profit, as his Wall Street stocks dropped by 739 points today alone, despite the fact that the market wasn't even open when this news first surfaced. In terms of his deliveries, Claus reports that he will still be delivering gifts for this Christmas for any of those still willing to accept them, and hopes the world can come to forgive him in by next Christmas.
NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has recently released more top secret government files from the offices of the National Security Agency, and the revelations that have come from them are sure to result in some plummeting shares and profits for yet another high-profile Wall Street company. Snowden, who defected from the US mere months ago, has been leaking official NSA documents to the public over the last few months, saying that this information on the United States Government's surveillance activities is something that the general public needs to know about. Some of the biggest reveals have been about NSA spying on foreign leaders, and the fact that the NSA collects terabytes of data on US citizens' cellular and internet activities with the consent of companies that provide these services, such as Google and Verizon. Unsurprisingly, this information had consequences, mainly in the form of a media backlash against these companies for cooperating with the government in what is seen as an invasion of privacy on the American people. This also led to an immediate and significant drop off in profits in the foreign market for these companies, as the realization that the US is an annoying nosy "friend" freaked more than a few people out.
Throughout the entire Snowden fiasco, it's been only a matter of time until some real news surfaces and shocks the world. Earlier today, that news came in the form of another release of government documents from Snowden, still in hiding in Russia, with a personal note. This document detailed the agreement between Santa Claus and his toy making corporation and the US government, which ultimately entails the funneling of consumer information to the National Security Agency in exchange for a lack of missiles raining down on the North Pole. The document, which includes images of the President making the final deal with jolly old snooping St. Nick, lays out the entire supply line for Mr. Claus's secret information, and how it is to be collected and controlled. The information starts at the North Pole, where Father Christmas uses high-tech surveillance equipment to keep an eye on all the little boys and girls across the world, and in turn their parents, relatives, and multi-denominational friends. This information is immediately seized by NORAD, a government agency set up under the guise of keeping track of rosy-cheeked Santa but actually simply conveying his collected information back to NSA headquarters on US soil. Once in agency hands, the information is combed through for signs of terrorism or Christmas gift ideas, then safely secured in the NSA's Utah data-storage facility.
In addition to shocking the entire world and leading many to burn their Christmas trees and any gifts they receive this Christmas, as well as fill their chimneys with cement, this news ties together much of the Snowden/Santa conspiracy. Firstly, it gives true reason for the impending NORAD attack on the North Pole reported on earlier this week. Once a mole is discovered it is only logical for the employer to eliminate them, and the US government seems to be acting on this reasoning. In addition, this information explains Edward Snowden's plea to the Brazilian Government for permanent asylum, since the only valid reason for him to leave the safety of Russia is if a madman from the nearby North were suddenly after him for vengeance, which will undoubtedly happen quite soon, possibly as Kris Kringle passes by Moscow tonight.
In any case, Claus and his North Pole factories will have a troubled few years ahead of them in terms of global support and profit, as his Wall Street stocks dropped by 739 points today alone, despite the fact that the market wasn't even open when this news first surfaced. In terms of his deliveries, Claus reports that he will still be delivering gifts for this Christmas for any of those still willing to accept them, and hopes the world can come to forgive him in by next Christmas.
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Santa Claus is an evil, evil man, bent on giving all of your personal information to the US government. Edward Snowden on Claus's cooperation with NSA surveillance activities.
I'm glad we could work this out without any Reindeer bloodshed. President Obama on the espionage agreement made between the US government and the Santa's Workshop Corporation™
I did what I did to save Christmas for all the good little boys and girls, and also because the NSA was paying me in cookies. Sinterklaas explains his reasoning for what many are calling "Santa's Katrina."
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Millions of Burglaries Planned
12/20/13
This is a report of the utmost importance, millions of burglaries have been planned to take place December 24th. For many years people have let this man under the alias “Santa Claus” enter their house to apparently leave goods for kids, however do to a breaking discovery this man must be brought to justice. Over the past 11 years every present left has been coated with one part of a deadly contact poison. Mary Anne, a private detective who has been following the convict for years states, “The pieces came together when I listened to the song ‘12 days of Christmas’ backwards and found out it was an encrypted message for the plan.” “I used to think he was anti semitic since he never left presents for Jews, but now i see otherwise,” says one concerned mother.
“The modus operandi for the crook seems to be to enter through the chimney,” states Anne. When asked what got Anne interested in bringing this scoundrel to justice she simply stated, “One year I was up late and next thing I know there is a man climbing out of my chimney. He looked at me with his piercing eyes and said ‘Ho Ho Ho...’” At this point Marry Anne broke down sobbing as the weight of her repressed memory bore down on her.
This year police urge all to stay in doors for the night. These additional measures should be taken: Light a large fire in your fireplace and burn it all night, for those of you who Obama hasn't taken away the right keep all firearms close by, do not let anyone inside... period, if you see a man dressed in all red and wearing a stupid hat immediately call the authorities, finally he seems to be attracted to milk and cookies so make sure to hang all milk and cookies from a high secure branch or put them in a bear trap. With your help we may be able to bring this crooked man to justice.
This is a report of the utmost importance, millions of burglaries have been planned to take place December 24th. For many years people have let this man under the alias “Santa Claus” enter their house to apparently leave goods for kids, however do to a breaking discovery this man must be brought to justice. Over the past 11 years every present left has been coated with one part of a deadly contact poison. Mary Anne, a private detective who has been following the convict for years states, “The pieces came together when I listened to the song ‘12 days of Christmas’ backwards and found out it was an encrypted message for the plan.” “I used to think he was anti semitic since he never left presents for Jews, but now i see otherwise,” says one concerned mother.
“The modus operandi for the crook seems to be to enter through the chimney,” states Anne. When asked what got Anne interested in bringing this scoundrel to justice she simply stated, “One year I was up late and next thing I know there is a man climbing out of my chimney. He looked at me with his piercing eyes and said ‘Ho Ho Ho...’” At this point Marry Anne broke down sobbing as the weight of her repressed memory bore down on her.
This year police urge all to stay in doors for the night. These additional measures should be taken: Light a large fire in your fireplace and burn it all night, for those of you who Obama hasn't taken away the right keep all firearms close by, do not let anyone inside... period, if you see a man dressed in all red and wearing a stupid hat immediately call the authorities, finally he seems to be attracted to milk and cookies so make sure to hang all milk and cookies from a high secure branch or put them in a bear trap. With your help we may be able to bring this crooked man to justice.
Most Disgusting Word in the English Language Decided
12/17/13
For every beautiful word spoken in the English language such as "rainbows", "unicorns" and "chlamydia" (just say it, it sounds gorgeous), there are words that make you want to fill your ears with packing peanuts in a fruitless attempt to not hear them. But what is the worst sounding word? For a long time, the general consensus was that "moist" was the most disgusting word. However, a new study conducted by one, very handsome, CR News reporter, proves otherwise.
This study told the entire world the truth behind horrible sounding words. Pudding. Just say it. Pudding. Say it slowly now. Puudddddiiinnggg. It just sounds awful. The new study was released earlier today, and in it, 1 out of 5 reporters answered "yes" when asked if "pudding" was the most disgusting word in the English language. The other 4 out of 5 said, "what the hell are you talking about?" which might not seem like much, but keep in mind, it wasn't exactly a no. And if politics have taught us anything, it's that every word that is not a "no", is essentially a "yes". It is now your duty, yes viewer, YOUR duty, to remove this foul word from every form of literature on the planet. Except this obviously, I mean, how else would you be able to know about the horrors caused by this word? Nobody should have to put up with hearing, and I apologize for this, "pudding" at any point in their life.
Pudding, however, is very delicious when not spoken about.
For every beautiful word spoken in the English language such as "rainbows", "unicorns" and "chlamydia" (just say it, it sounds gorgeous), there are words that make you want to fill your ears with packing peanuts in a fruitless attempt to not hear them. But what is the worst sounding word? For a long time, the general consensus was that "moist" was the most disgusting word. However, a new study conducted by one, very handsome, CR News reporter, proves otherwise.
This study told the entire world the truth behind horrible sounding words. Pudding. Just say it. Pudding. Say it slowly now. Puudddddiiinnggg. It just sounds awful. The new study was released earlier today, and in it, 1 out of 5 reporters answered "yes" when asked if "pudding" was the most disgusting word in the English language. The other 4 out of 5 said, "what the hell are you talking about?" which might not seem like much, but keep in mind, it wasn't exactly a no. And if politics have taught us anything, it's that every word that is not a "no", is essentially a "yes". It is now your duty, yes viewer, YOUR duty, to remove this foul word from every form of literature on the planet. Except this obviously, I mean, how else would you be able to know about the horrors caused by this word? Nobody should have to put up with hearing, and I apologize for this, "pudding" at any point in their life.
Pudding, however, is very delicious when not spoken about.
Over 76,000 Planes Take Off and Land in America
11/24/13
Today we bring you some fantastic breaking news. Our sources report that, against all odds, 76,000 planes took off and landed in America without crashing to the ground. This mind-blowing and miraculous event has not happened since yesterday! Despite the fact that our scientists, all of whom have a full middle school education, say that it is impossible for a two-hundred pound piece of metal to fly, studies show that thousands of planes have flown into the air, like majestic eagles, and gracefully landed again on their relatively tiny wheels without any problems. This figure even ignores the countless thousands more that majestically soar into the air from the rest from the rest of the world.
"It is incredible," says aerospace engineer Paul Rosenblatz, "another example of science kicking common sense in the balls! I don't know why this isn't reported on more often. Normally we only hear about planes when they crash."
In related news, over 14,000 trains reached their destination, about 60,000 ships continued to float, and roughly 7,000,000,000 people lived through the night. The data shows that today was a pretty good day.
Today we bring you some fantastic breaking news. Our sources report that, against all odds, 76,000 planes took off and landed in America without crashing to the ground. This mind-blowing and miraculous event has not happened since yesterday! Despite the fact that our scientists, all of whom have a full middle school education, say that it is impossible for a two-hundred pound piece of metal to fly, studies show that thousands of planes have flown into the air, like majestic eagles, and gracefully landed again on their relatively tiny wheels without any problems. This figure even ignores the countless thousands more that majestically soar into the air from the rest from the rest of the world.
"It is incredible," says aerospace engineer Paul Rosenblatz, "another example of science kicking common sense in the balls! I don't know why this isn't reported on more often. Normally we only hear about planes when they crash."
In related news, over 14,000 trains reached their destination, about 60,000 ships continued to float, and roughly 7,000,000,000 people lived through the night. The data shows that today was a pretty good day.
NSA Schedules Release of Most Important Intelligence Document in History
11/13/13
The National Security Agency of the United States, or NSA, has been wrapped in controversy recently with news of possible intelligence overreach surfacing frequently over the past decade or so, from whistle-blowers such as WikiLeaks and more recently the treasonous Edward Snowden, presumably still seeking shelter with reclusive monks in the Himalayas. From these realizations of espionage on foreign leaders and even native US citizens came mixed responses ranging from outrage and fury to simple intense anger. However, the NSA is now assuring all peoples of the world that their latest intelligence report will be released to the general public and will be filled with groundbreaking discoveries. Understandably, many are skeptical of this kind of a claim from the agency which is known for taking secrets from all and giving secrets to no one, including of course, the President of the United States. The Chancellor of Germany, who was previously the subject of the NSA's scrutiny, was reported as saying that "[the NSA] is known to be a lying, cheating, thieving organization, with only its own well-being in mind, and so I myself, Angela Merkel, must say that I personally would trust a Frenchman more than them." President Obama himself mentioned at a press-conference that he would "really like to know what they're up to" and would "appreciate being kept in the loop, guys," in terms of what goes on at the apparent secret world government that is the NSA. Edward Snowden, a former employee at the agency, also said that he would rather live among the permafrost, thugs, and shirtless Presidents of Russia than be within listening distance of the NSA.
Nevertheless, the NSA's announcement of intelligence important to all humanity seems promising, and should not be missed. Snippets of this information have already been leaked via Edward Snowden, but the NSA is trying very hard not to let too much of the information get out to the general public until their scheduled intelligence release date of November 17th, and is evening doing routine wipes of mentions of this intelligence report online, which fortunately we can duck under because of some very high up connections in the ranks of the NSA. Included in the information will be details on world leaders and their practices, members of the US government and their offenses, terrorist/radical trends in regions across the US and the world, areas of rising tension and their risk index for war, and the possibility of attacks from various groups within the next decade. In addition, the NSA has copious amounts of information on subjects labeled "of interest" which will be revealed on the 17th. Anticipation is quickly rising in the face of so much information, and rest assured that as subscribers to this news source, you will be the first to know of any developments, and the first to be able to see this historic document in its original form, free of any redactions.
The National Security Agency of the United States, or NSA, has been wrapped in controversy recently with news of possible intelligence overreach surfacing frequently over the past decade or so, from whistle-blowers such as WikiLeaks and more recently the treasonous Edward Snowden, presumably still seeking shelter with reclusive monks in the Himalayas. From these realizations of espionage on foreign leaders and even native US citizens came mixed responses ranging from outrage and fury to simple intense anger. However, the NSA is now assuring all peoples of the world that their latest intelligence report will be released to the general public and will be filled with groundbreaking discoveries. Understandably, many are skeptical of this kind of a claim from the agency which is known for taking secrets from all and giving secrets to no one, including of course, the President of the United States. The Chancellor of Germany, who was previously the subject of the NSA's scrutiny, was reported as saying that "[the NSA] is known to be a lying, cheating, thieving organization, with only its own well-being in mind, and so I myself, Angela Merkel, must say that I personally would trust a Frenchman more than them." President Obama himself mentioned at a press-conference that he would "really like to know what they're up to" and would "appreciate being kept in the loop, guys," in terms of what goes on at the apparent secret world government that is the NSA. Edward Snowden, a former employee at the agency, also said that he would rather live among the permafrost, thugs, and shirtless Presidents of Russia than be within listening distance of the NSA.
Nevertheless, the NSA's announcement of intelligence important to all humanity seems promising, and should not be missed. Snippets of this information have already been leaked via Edward Snowden, but the NSA is trying very hard not to let too much of the information get out to the general public until their scheduled intelligence release date of November 17th, and is evening doing routine wipes of mentions of this intelligence report online, which fortunately we can duck under because of some very high up connections in the ranks of the NSA. Included in the information will be details on world leaders and their practices, members of the US government and their offenses, terrorist/radical trends in regions across the US and the world, areas of rising tension and their risk index for war, and the possibility of attacks from various groups within the next decade. In addition, the NSA has copious amounts of information on subjects labeled "of interest" which will be revealed on the 17th. Anticipation is quickly rising in the face of so much information, and rest assured that as subscribers to this news source, you will be the first to know of any developments, and the first to be able to see this historic document in its original form, free of any redactions.
Barges Mystify Millions - Not Solved Yet
11/7/13
If you live in San Francisco or Portland, ME, you're probably in danger. This is not to say that those outside the destruction zones will be spared, but the first cities to go will obviously be the ones in which the invasion is headquartered from. All of this of course, is wildly accurate speculation from one of the greatest news analysts on this page of the internet, myself. As such, it is important that I get my point across to all of you as soon as possible, before they make their first move. They've always been a threat. A danger. Peering into our lives everyday under the guise of aiding us. We thought we could trust them with everything. It seems like they were counting on that.
For all of you that are still lost, I am talking of course about the two barges that appeared mere weeks ago on the East and West coasts of the United States, each owned by the massive company that has become an integral part of all of our lives. Bill Gates tried to save us. He gave us Bing, a safe alternative. There were so many safe alternatives. But we were blinded by the quality of our search results, and that will be our ultimate downfall.
Google.
Most of us attribute that to a wealth of information about every topic you could ever dream of. We should have realized that it was all too good to be true.
Again, I must make the disclaimer about all of this being sheer completely accurate speculation based on the facts. With that in mind, here are the pure, honest facts:
In late October of 2013, news agencies across the nation began to take notice of two barges that appeared off the East and West coast, though mostly the one in San Francisco because traveling there is much nicer than going to Maine this time of year, and those reporters know that as well as anybody. On October 30th, the Coast Guard visited the San Francisco barge, but by their own practices and a confidentiality agreement that they signed, they were not able to reveal any details to the public, not even the Mayor of San Francisco, Edwin Lee. After many pointless trips to the barges by reporters from all across the country, the nation was told by every news source available that the barges were gated, shrouded in secrecy, and that their reporters are incapable of discovering anything past the color of the sky. On November 7th, Google released a statement describing the purpose of the barges as "Interactive Learning Centers," which is one of the worst made up purposes for a water-borne invasion center that I have ever heard. While Google continues to claim these barges are harmless, it's difficult to ignore the fact that they know absolutely everything about every single one of us, and that when we called their PR center for more information, we were met only with a maniacal laugh. Because of this, I am forced to re-iterate my above point: We are doomed. Unless we all band together and use Bing from now on, Google has won. I know how unattractive that sounds, but as of now it is our only choice. Bing, Oracle, Yahoo, Ask, anything other than the oppressive overlords at Google. If not, it could mean the end of our world. Or worse...
Our freedom.
As a reliable news source, we will keep you posted on any developments of this threat as the information becomes available.
If you live in San Francisco or Portland, ME, you're probably in danger. This is not to say that those outside the destruction zones will be spared, but the first cities to go will obviously be the ones in which the invasion is headquartered from. All of this of course, is wildly accurate speculation from one of the greatest news analysts on this page of the internet, myself. As such, it is important that I get my point across to all of you as soon as possible, before they make their first move. They've always been a threat. A danger. Peering into our lives everyday under the guise of aiding us. We thought we could trust them with everything. It seems like they were counting on that.
For all of you that are still lost, I am talking of course about the two barges that appeared mere weeks ago on the East and West coasts of the United States, each owned by the massive company that has become an integral part of all of our lives. Bill Gates tried to save us. He gave us Bing, a safe alternative. There were so many safe alternatives. But we were blinded by the quality of our search results, and that will be our ultimate downfall.
Google.
Most of us attribute that to a wealth of information about every topic you could ever dream of. We should have realized that it was all too good to be true.
Again, I must make the disclaimer about all of this being sheer completely accurate speculation based on the facts. With that in mind, here are the pure, honest facts:
In late October of 2013, news agencies across the nation began to take notice of two barges that appeared off the East and West coast, though mostly the one in San Francisco because traveling there is much nicer than going to Maine this time of year, and those reporters know that as well as anybody. On October 30th, the Coast Guard visited the San Francisco barge, but by their own practices and a confidentiality agreement that they signed, they were not able to reveal any details to the public, not even the Mayor of San Francisco, Edwin Lee. After many pointless trips to the barges by reporters from all across the country, the nation was told by every news source available that the barges were gated, shrouded in secrecy, and that their reporters are incapable of discovering anything past the color of the sky. On November 7th, Google released a statement describing the purpose of the barges as "Interactive Learning Centers," which is one of the worst made up purposes for a water-borne invasion center that I have ever heard. While Google continues to claim these barges are harmless, it's difficult to ignore the fact that they know absolutely everything about every single one of us, and that when we called their PR center for more information, we were met only with a maniacal laugh. Because of this, I am forced to re-iterate my above point: We are doomed. Unless we all band together and use Bing from now on, Google has won. I know how unattractive that sounds, but as of now it is our only choice. Bing, Oracle, Yahoo, Ask, anything other than the oppressive overlords at Google. If not, it could mean the end of our world. Or worse...
Our freedom.
As a reliable news source, we will keep you posted on any developments of this threat as the information becomes available.
Nation Shocked to Learn that "War" Still Exists11/6/13
The entire country was shocked recently to learn that other parts of the world are still being torn apart by war. In a poll from almost 3 weeks ago, the majority of Americans said that they had no knowledge of any conflict anywhere in their perfect little world. As one woman in Brooklyn said when asked about fighting overseas, "well I dunno about fightin', but when I was across the Hudson I saw Janice and Josephine givin' each other the stink eye, and my oh my it looked like there was some trouble a brewin' in that convenience store, let me tell you." This is just one example of the blissful ignorance that most Americans seem to be finding themselves in, and the aforementioned poll returned some startling data which says that 98% of the American people were not conscious of any wars going on at the moment, with the remaining 2% being too busy on the internet to answer the door when we knocked. When questioned further, many Americans were even unable to name more than 5 countries that exist on this planet. All of this changed this past week however, when news of the Syrian conflict re-surfaced in the ADD world of the US media. Upon hearing news that Syria was still in turmoil and finally nearing a possible peace solution, Americans' responses ranged from "I thought that happened like a month ago," to, "Oh, that Surinian place? Yeah, I remember that from awhile ago. Didn't they get some people dead and grumpy once?" Then, when asked the follow-up question of whether or not they knew the situation of Afghanistan currently, most responded with either blank stares or an attempt to butcher the pronunciation of a Middle-Eastern state which has existed officially since 1919, despite actually being its own state independent of Persia since 1709. The only possible conclusion to draw from this, of course, is that our president can get involved in any war they want as long as they don't have an election within the next two months, because that is the longest that anything appears to remain in the public consciousness. So go ahead Obama! Have a blast! |
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