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Nation Can't Bring Itself to Fear Fiscal Cliff
Last year, Congress passed the Budget Control Act of 2011, the effects of which are set to take effect on January 1st. This would lead to a massive tax increase as well as huge spending cuts that would plunge the US economy back into a recession. This would potentially be the most disastrous thing to happen to this economy since it crashed in 2008. But in spite of this imminent catastrophe, sources report that the vast majority of Americans just can't bring themselves to care that much.
"I want to be scared," said Josephine J. Josephson when asked about the impending doom facing the country, "but... it's just so boring." she then turned and changed the channel from the news back to a rerun of American Chopper.
Even the mainstream media has been finding it difficult to get angry about this particular issue, despite the best efforts of their visual effects teams to make exciting scary "Fiscal Cliff" opening titles.
"I know this would be a great opportunity to yell at the government because of their inability to get anything ight," said Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly, "but its really just not something I'm compelled to yell about, there's too many numbers."
Fearologist Dr. Philo Ziegler says that the public is entirely aware of the huge danger that the the cliff represents and the ways it will negatively affect but, "it just doesn't come across as something worth caring about". According to Dr. Ziegler, this is largely because of its underwhelming name, "a name like 'Economic Death-storm' or 'Money-mageddon' might instill more fear"
At press time, the people of the world who were slightly concerned were too busy looking up the word "fiscal" to do anything about it.
"I want to be scared," said Josephine J. Josephson when asked about the impending doom facing the country, "but... it's just so boring." she then turned and changed the channel from the news back to a rerun of American Chopper.
Even the mainstream media has been finding it difficult to get angry about this particular issue, despite the best efforts of their visual effects teams to make exciting scary "Fiscal Cliff" opening titles.
"I know this would be a great opportunity to yell at the government because of their inability to get anything ight," said Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly, "but its really just not something I'm compelled to yell about, there's too many numbers."
Fearologist Dr. Philo Ziegler says that the public is entirely aware of the huge danger that the the cliff represents and the ways it will negatively affect but, "it just doesn't come across as something worth caring about". According to Dr. Ziegler, this is largely because of its underwhelming name, "a name like 'Economic Death-storm' or 'Money-mageddon' might instill more fear"
At press time, the people of the world who were slightly concerned were too busy looking up the word "fiscal" to do anything about it.
Selfish People Use Giving Season to feel better about selves
11/24/12
A recent study of the nation's greedy, selfish people has revealed that though they are thieving, backstabbing, and gluttonous beings for the majority of the year, there is an approximate two month period in which they are slightly more kind on average. This time of year is known by many as the "holiday season" and brings with it a sense of togetherness and giving. Evidently, these sentimental feelings permeate the ailing hearts of many of the nation's greedy, spurring them to donate and give an estimated 600% more on average than they would in other months of the year. This percentage may be misleading, as some give a total of zero, zip, zilch, nadda in the off-holiday season, but it is nonetheless significant. Said Ebeneezer Scrooge of this phenomenon, "It gives [us greedy people] an excuse to be greedy the rest of the year. If we give a few bucks to some kid in December, it leaves us guilt and remorse free for our most greedy months." This need of the money-hoarders to feel good about themselves is great news for charities. Said Yam Rische of the National Fund for the Wealthy, "our donation figures shoot up towards the middle of November every year. It's fantastic. If we can guilt the wealthy even more, we could probably be sustained on their donations alone for as long as a decade."
Many are questioning the morality behind this system however. Famed Selfish Psychologist Gemme Yomenee believes that this cycle of instilling guilt in the wealthy has a negative effect on their greed-based psyches. "Guilt is like peer pressure. Peer pressure leads to drugs. Making the greedy donate because of their guilt can lead to drugs. Drugs are bad." Yomenee's words have been heard by many, and he now has close to dozens of supporters. Yomenee and his supporters have recently been protesting the working class, urging them to stop hurting the feelings of those who are greedy so that they can be sound of mind and spirit, and so the US economy can rise up once more.
A recent study of the nation's greedy, selfish people has revealed that though they are thieving, backstabbing, and gluttonous beings for the majority of the year, there is an approximate two month period in which they are slightly more kind on average. This time of year is known by many as the "holiday season" and brings with it a sense of togetherness and giving. Evidently, these sentimental feelings permeate the ailing hearts of many of the nation's greedy, spurring them to donate and give an estimated 600% more on average than they would in other months of the year. This percentage may be misleading, as some give a total of zero, zip, zilch, nadda in the off-holiday season, but it is nonetheless significant. Said Ebeneezer Scrooge of this phenomenon, "It gives [us greedy people] an excuse to be greedy the rest of the year. If we give a few bucks to some kid in December, it leaves us guilt and remorse free for our most greedy months." This need of the money-hoarders to feel good about themselves is great news for charities. Said Yam Rische of the National Fund for the Wealthy, "our donation figures shoot up towards the middle of November every year. It's fantastic. If we can guilt the wealthy even more, we could probably be sustained on their donations alone for as long as a decade."
Many are questioning the morality behind this system however. Famed Selfish Psychologist Gemme Yomenee believes that this cycle of instilling guilt in the wealthy has a negative effect on their greed-based psyches. "Guilt is like peer pressure. Peer pressure leads to drugs. Making the greedy donate because of their guilt can lead to drugs. Drugs are bad." Yomenee's words have been heard by many, and he now has close to dozens of supporters. Yomenee and his supporters have recently been protesting the working class, urging them to stop hurting the feelings of those who are greedy so that they can be sound of mind and spirit, and so the US economy can rise up once more.
Small dog in control of stock market
IDAHO - It has recently been revealed that the entire stock market of the United States is inexplicably under the complete and total control of one small Yorkshire terrier in Ashton, Idaho by the name of Westley. Over the last four years, it has become apparent that the Dow Jones Industrial average has gone up and down solely because of the whims and emotions of this 7 year-old dog. Westley is "owned" by Agnes and Walter Jameson. The word "owned" is in quotation marks because Westley controls every aspect of their entire life. According to them, they discovered Westley incredible powers in the Fall of 2008, when they accidentally locked Westley alone in the bedroom for 4 days while they visited Walter's mother. When they returned they found a decrepit Westley curled up in the corner growling angrily at them, as well as the Stock Market Crash of 2008.
"When we saw that eerie green glow in his eyes we knew something was wrong" said Walter Jameson when asked about the incident, "but we never suspected that he had the supernatural power to cause the economic collapse of the entire nation"
However after a few more incidents it became clear that there was a direct correlation between the state of the American economy and Westley's mood.
"He owns us now" says Agnes Jameson "He controls our entire life, from what feed him, to what we feed ourselves, even what we wear. If we do anything that he doesn't like, all our stocks drop by at least 2%."
Unfortunately the Jamesons are powerless to stop him, as Westley, despite his vast power, has only the intelligence of a 7 year-old dog. Therefore he cannot see that the more he punishes the Jamesons, the less money they have to feed him, and consequently the more he must punish them. It is a vicious cycle with no foreseeable end besides the complete failure of the US economy.
Their only hope is that some rich family will have the heart to take Westley and pamper him so much that stock markets will return normal the United States will retake its place as the greatest economic power in the universe.
In closing, the Jamesons have a message for the American people:
"We sincerely apologize to the American people who have suffered because of our inability to care for this small dog, and ask for any help that anyone might give us, in the form of financial aid or advice, that might help us make Westley happy."
"When we saw that eerie green glow in his eyes we knew something was wrong" said Walter Jameson when asked about the incident, "but we never suspected that he had the supernatural power to cause the economic collapse of the entire nation"
However after a few more incidents it became clear that there was a direct correlation between the state of the American economy and Westley's mood.
"He owns us now" says Agnes Jameson "He controls our entire life, from what feed him, to what we feed ourselves, even what we wear. If we do anything that he doesn't like, all our stocks drop by at least 2%."
Unfortunately the Jamesons are powerless to stop him, as Westley, despite his vast power, has only the intelligence of a 7 year-old dog. Therefore he cannot see that the more he punishes the Jamesons, the less money they have to feed him, and consequently the more he must punish them. It is a vicious cycle with no foreseeable end besides the complete failure of the US economy.
Their only hope is that some rich family will have the heart to take Westley and pamper him so much that stock markets will return normal the United States will retake its place as the greatest economic power in the universe.
In closing, the Jamesons have a message for the American people:
"We sincerely apologize to the American people who have suffered because of our inability to care for this small dog, and ask for any help that anyone might give us, in the form of financial aid or advice, that might help us make Westley happy."
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